


waiting on the sunrise

by autumnchills



Series: basking in the atmosphere [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Assault, Biphobia, Bisexual Eddie Diaz, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Bisexual Evan Buckley, Buck Centric, Buck-Centric, Caring Eddie Diaz, Claustrophobia, Emotional Baggage, Established Relationship, Father-Son Relationship, Firefam Feels, Found Family, Hate Crimes, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Minor Character Death, Nausea, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Season/Series 02, Protective Bobby Nash, Protective Eddie Diaz, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Strangulation, Team as Family, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-01-24 03:57:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21331897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnchills/pseuds/autumnchills
Summary: When Buck left home, it was a rushed decision. He didn’t know where he was going or what he was going to do, but he had a high school diploma and enough street smarts to make it as far from his father as possible.It's been nearly ten years since then, and now his father is in town. Buck quickly learns that some things haven't changed.But other things have, and his family will help him realize that.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Maddie Buckley/Howie “Chimney” Han
Series: basking in the atmosphere [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1803712
Comments: 288
Kudos: 2015
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [this prompt](https://paul-strickland.tumblr.com/post/188853540668/when-buck-left-home-it-was-a-rushed-decision-he) via Tumblr.  
Please heed the tags as they contain warnings for abuse that is implied and featured in this story.  
NOTE: This fic takes place after Season 2 with established Buddie.

When Buck left home, it was a rushed decision. He didn’t know where he was going or what he was going to do, but he had a high school diploma and enough street smarts to make it as far from his father as possible. 

Keeping in touch with Maddie was hard, but he had managed what he could. He had a prepaid phone with limited everything, and she seemed to be starting a new life without anyone from her family. She probably never knew the full extent of what their father did, so Buck didn’t blame her for leaving them behind, but part of him still couldn’t help but feel abandoned. Her boyfriend turned fiancé was an ass, and Buck’s words of distaste went in one ear and out the other. 

He ended up traveling with a friend, and after leaving the country, he lost contact with Maddie.

He’d gone to Canada and even Europe, but his longest stay anywhere was in South America. He was there long enough to work, but after a fall out with his friend, he headed back to the U.S. to try and really get a move on with his life. 

He got back in contact with Maddie at twenty-two, and he remembers his dad calling on his twenty-third birthday, probably having gotten ahold of his new number from her. It’d been five years since Buck had left his home town in the dust, and his father merely asked him how he was. Buck ended up responding curtly to his father and declined the money that was being offered.

That was one of the things that had always thrown him off. Buck’s dad could be a caring man. He supplied Buck with almost everything he needed for school and sports, but he was also abusive, and the degree to which he was abusive had slowly increased over the years. It took Buck a long time to understand how wrong some of what his dad did was. 

Buck never gets a call from his mom, but he isn’t surprised. She’d always been indifferent about the things that went on under her roof unless it involved Maddie. But Maddie had been out of the house for college by the time Buck was in his early years of school and had apparently taken all of his mother’s love with her. 

He never blamed Maddie for that, either, but it makes it harder when at twenty-four years old, he stopped hearing from Maddie altogether. The number he had was disconnected, and neither he nor his parents had the new one. 

The only time his parents reached out to him after that was when they were asking after Maddie.

He stopped hearing from them a year before she showed up in his apartment, and he changed his number to make sure it stayed that way. 

Days like these are the ones where he almost wishes she never showed up at all.

In hindsight, Buck should’ve seen this day coming. He knew that Maddie was close to their parents, unlike himself, so he never thought twice about Maddie asking for his father’s number. At first, she’d kept her location from anyone from her past, aside from Buck. But Doug was gone, and now there was no reason she couldn’t reach out to them or anyone else she used to talk to.

He debates lying and saying he doesn’t have it, but knowing that his parents would never harm her is a reassurance, and he gives her the number. He refuses to be the reason that Maddie goes the rest of her life without her loved ones.  
  
She doesn’t seem to notice the hesitation, though, probably because Buck can’t hide his emotions for shit, but he’s pretty good at keeping a level tone when talking over the phone.

She thanks him, and he goes along with the rest of the day, almost as if nothing had happened.

The next morning, she calls to tell him their mother is dead, has been for a few months now, and their dad has a heart condition. It’s not the update he was looking for— doesn't really know what he was thinking he might hear— but it’s one he can live with. 

He finds himself almost happy that one connection from his childhood is gone, and another on its way. Yet there is still an uncertain emotion that lingers around him. He knows he’s not sad about her passing, but he wonders if maybe a part of him had hoped to one day get closure as to why she treated him the way she did. That thought— not knowing— might haunt him more than his mother could ever care to if possible.

—

When Buck walks into the fire station that morning, he’s surprised to find Chimney talking to Bobby in hushed tones. Something must be exceptionally surprising because Buck hears the normal-volume, “Are you sure?” from Bobby. His eyebrows are raised and Buck looks away just in time to miss the way the captain nods at him.

Chimney looks back at Buck in surprise, too. “Maybe he’s in denial about it?” he suggests to Bobby.

“Possible,” the captain agrees. “But I learned not to assume much about anyone because we can’t really know what’s up unless they tell us.”

In the locker room, Buck greets Eddie with his normal level of enthusiasm, and the two strike up a conversation about a date night later in the week. When Chimney enters the room, Eddie’s own mood falters when he sees the looks that Chim gives Buck. The man makes a face as if to ask Chimney what’s going on, but Chimney just shakes his head.

This happens throughout the rest of the day, too. Chimney watches Buck like a hawk as if waiting for something to happen, and eventually, Buck catches on.

They’re sitting down for lunch after a rather easy call when Buck confronts him about it.

“Okay,” Buck calls to him, managing to catch the attention of the rest of the team, too. “Chim, man, what gives? You’ve been staring at me all day like I kicked your puppy.”

Hen and Eddie laugh, mostly unaware of the sad look on Chim’s face. Bobby doesn’t seem to miss it, though.

“I’m just making sure you’re okay, Buckaroo. Is that such a bad thing?” Hen and Eddie’s laughter dies down after that. 

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” Buck questions. 

Eddie admits that he wants to know, too. Buck has seemed fine all day.

“C’mon, Buck,” Chimney gestures to him with his hand. “You gotta know your sister tells me everything.” The team, aside from Bobby passing out some plates full of salad, is quiet and listening in. He knows the other few firefighters not apart of their team aren’t trying to be nosey from their spots at the billiards table, but they’re not making the idle chatter they previously were, either.

“Okay, so you know,” Buck throws out. “Am I supposed to stop functioning just because someone died?” 

The team doesn’t miss the bitter bite to his words, and Eddie shifts uncomfortably in his seat, realizing this is the first time that his boyfriend hasn’t told him about something seemingly important in his life.

Chimney ignores Buck’s harshness and responds again with soft tones. “Look, I know it’s not my business—”

“It’s definitely not,” Buck retorts.

“—but you are my friend, and I have to wonder, Buckaroo.” 

Buck clenches at his fork and stabs at his salad with more force than necessary. 

“Buck,” Chim goes on after some silence, “are you really telling me that your mom dying isn’t upsetting you at all?”

Buck doesn’t miss the heavy breath of air that Hen releases or the other firefighters vacating their game to squeeze by them and leave the loft altogether. 

“I guess it would be if she were ever really a mother to me at all,” he replies.

“Buck,” Hen chimes in, “I know just how much a mom can suck, but she’s still your mom.”

And ain't that a phrase that never ceased to bug the hell out of him.

Buck shakes his head with a harsh smile on his lips. “Look, guys, I appreciate the concern, but Maddie and I had completely different relationships with our parents. You guys forget she was already in college by the time I was starting elementary school.” Chimney looks a second from adding more, but Buck cuts him off with, “Please, guys. No more questions. I would really rather forget it already.” 

His friends and boyfriend are speechless, questions dying on the tips of their mouths. It creates for a few awkward moments, but soon enough they’re back to their regularly scheduled program.

Buck only wishes that were the end of it.

Maddie calls the next day while he’s got the day off. Buck’s half expecting it because he has no doubt that Chimney talked to her after that display. 

“Hey, Evan,” she greets, and for a minute it sounds too much like his mom. For years he’d told people to call him by his nickname because he couldn’t stand to be called by his given name. Significant others always seemed to want to call him by ‘Evan’ despite the request, so he’d let that be, but with old feelings swirling around in his head, he can barely stand it. He’s thankful that Eddie never called him by his first name and hadn’t continued that trend. 

He finally returns the greeting. “What’s up, Mads?”

“Maybe you should tell me.” Her words aren’t mean, but rather they’re soft like she’s talking to a scared child. Maybe that’s exactly what he is. He thought he had left that part of his life behind him, but now, he’s not so sure.

He puts the phone on speaker and sets it on the table so he can move around to clear up his kitchen of the used dishes on the countertops, emptying the sink so he can fill it up with soap and water.

“Look, Mads, I know you think I’m probably just in denial, but it’s like I told Chimney. Our relationships with mom and dad were different.”

“Yeah,” she laughs lightly, “he made that point pretty clear on your behalf.”

Buck shrugs, not caring that she can’t see it through the phone. He picks up the knife and cutting board next, intending to place them in the sink, but his sister’s next words startle him.

“Just uh… try not to be so blasé when Dad visits,” she says, which shocks Buck enough to drop both of the things he’s holding. For the smallest moment, he’s frozen, and he can’t breathe. 

How would his dad act? Would his dad be the caring father Buck tries to remember or the strict and scary man he tries to forget?

He curses as he comes back to reality. The large steak knife just barely misses his toes as he jumps back, but the wooden cutting board bounces and smacks into his shin. Buck hisses and hears Maddie shouting in the background.

“I’m fine,” he bites out through clenched teeth, though they’re clenched more out of anger. “Look, I’m busy, Maddie. Can I call you back? Or maybe you can just text me details?”

“Sure,” Maddie responds. She knows very well that Buck likely won’t call back later. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Buck doesn’t want to talk about this anymore, though she can’t fathom why. 

She hangs up without saying goodbye. On any other occasion, he might feel bad about it, but he knows he wasn’t being the nicest to her to start with.

Standing in the middle of his apartment, he’s not sure how the hell he’s going to deal with his dad. So much has changed about Buck since he last saw him— since he ran away. He never talked about anything personal in his phone calls, and the money he offered was never enough to let him forget the pain of forceful hits raining down on his body. His dad doesn’t know about his near-death experience. He doesn’t know about the relationships he had with Abby or Ali, and he sure as hell doesn’t know about his current relationship with Eddie.

Buck doesn’t want to know how his dad will react if he finds out, assuming Maddie hasn’t told him already.

His phone chimes, signaling that a text came in, and when he opens it, he sees that it’s his father’s flight and hotel information from Maddie. 

In two days— because of course, that rich asshole would get one of the earliest flights out, no matter the cost— his dad will be in LA.

_ This will be quite the shit show. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be sure to read the added story tags! This chapter does have implied self-harm, but is not the typical. See end-notes for more details

Robert Buckley lands at LAX early Thursday morning, and the only thing that kept Buck calm through the night before was Eddie and Christopher. He’s thankful that Eddie doesn’t pry about his mom, but he did insist that he’s got open ears and open arms if Buck does want to talk, and it made all the difference.

Unfortunately, even though it wasn’t the first time, he hadn’t planned to spend the night at Eddie’s, so he returns to his own apartment to shower and get dressed before his shift.

He was not expecting his dad to show up.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, more out of surprise than anything. He’s in the middle of getting dressed, and he was sure that Maddie was going to be picking him up from the airport.

“Now is that any way to greet your father?” The man has a smile playing on his face as he works his way past Buck into the apartment. “Couldn’t you have been more presentable?” 

“I have to get going to work soon, and I didn’t know you were coming by before your hotel check-in,” he explains, narrowly avoiding a hug that his dad tries reaching out for. “Feel free to talk at me while I get ready.” 

Buck makes his way back up the stairs, and with such an open apartment, it’s not hard to hear his father’s voice booming through the room.

“Your sister told me you were hurt recently,” is what his dad starts with. “You couldn’t call and say you’d been crushed by a fire truck?” 

Buck rolls his eyes because he knows his dad can’t see him. He throws on a shirt and starts rummaging around for his wallet and keys. He’d tossed them somewhere on the unmade bed before he got in the shower earlier.

“Didn’t think you would care all that much,” he responds.

“I would have sent money for the hospital bills,” Robert supplies. “You know that.”

“Nothing says you love me like money,” Buck quips back. After completely upturning the whole blanket, both of the missing items flop onto the floor. He bends down to pick them up, and when he stands again, he comes face to face with his father. 

The spark of fear that runs up his spine must show on his face because his father eyes him critically. Buck hadn’t heard him coming up the stairs. The man had always been stealthy like that, so he should have known better than to let his guard down. 

He braces for impact.

Instead of a hit, his father _ laughs _ and claps him on the back with a too-playful, “You’re so uptight.” 

Buck nods and brushes past him. “Yeah,” he mumbles under his breath. _ That’s what it is _.

He rushes down the stairs and throws his wallet and keys onto the island so he can prepare a protein shake. He’s got ten minutes before he needs to be out the door if he wants to avoid being late. 

He’s digging around for his small blender when Buck hears a distinct cracking sound. His entire body turns in search of the sound but finds nothing. Robert’s heading down the stairs, and Buck doesn’t miss the fact that he still moves as fast as he ever did and carries himself with the same ease. It seems a heart condition isn’t enough to stop him from keeping in shape.

“What was that?” he asks.

“Probably these old floorboards,” Robert responds. “This is quite a dump place to live in. The rooms don’t even have doors.” Buck turns back to his search for the blender. He finds it haphazardly put away in the wrong cabinet— the anxiety leading up to his dad’s arrival today had really knocked him off his A-game— and pulls the protein powder out next. 

“You know,” Robert drawls, “you should only be worried about an ass-whoopin' if you’re doing something wrong, Evan.” 

_ Ah, there it is. _

Buck had enough of this as a kid, so he doesn’t bother with a reply. He halts his movements before he can grab the milk from the fridge, debating leaving now and skipping the shake.

“Have you been doing something bad?” His father asks him like he’s daring Buck to lie. Buck knows what his father considers to be bad.

Buck makes the decision not to make the shake and feigns checking the time on his watch.

“You know what, Dad? I gotta get going or I’ll be late for work,” he lies. He reaches out for his wallet, and a second too late he sees his dad doing the same with his keys. 

“Dad,” he tries.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t notice?” Robert questions, clutching Buck’s keys in his hand, close to his chest. He has his other hand in his pocket, his whole posture screaming casual but his face saying that he’s looking to start something.

Buck traveled across the country—even out of it— to never have to deal with this again. He debates forcibly taking his keys from the man and running for it, but unlike when he was young, this is his home now, and he won’t just leave the man here.

“I see that you still like men,” his dad spits out.

“Oh,” Buck laughs humorlessly, “you _ see _ that, do you?”

“Okay, so your sister told me.” Robert waves his hand around, Buck’s keys clinking against each other. “I don’t know how she got it in her head that it was okay, though,” he admits. 

Buck lets the wave of anger aimed at Maddie roll off of him. It’s his own damn fault for not telling his sister not to share stuff about his life. She had no idea how little their dad might know about him. Her assumption that they’d kept in contact up until the last two years went unchallenged in an attempt to keep her in the dark about his problems with his father. Saying that they did wasn’t even a complete lie because of his calls to ask about her.

Considering how close Maddie always seemed to her parents, it was a wonder she didn’t know more about his world views. 

“I might need to talk to her,” Robert muses, and Buck’s constrained anger flares tenfold.

He circles the island, words spilling out of his mouth. “If you so much as—”

Oh, how foolish he was to not see the hit coming. For a split moment, his fear for his sister had outweighed his own fear of his father. For a moment, he’d been brave, and it cost him now.

Buck can’t tell if it’s a slap or a punch, but he sees his father’s hand coming at him out of the corner of his eye, and the hit lands on the corner of his mouth. 

Buck’s head snaps to the side, and his hand comes up to cradle his face. It stings, but Buck doesn’t want to waste time checking it. 

He takes a quick glance at his father, and the man looks furious. Robert looks away just as fast, disgusted and sticking his hand out, keys dangling in a loose grip. Buck just eyes him wordlessly and doesn’t move. The kind of fear that he hasn’t felt since he was a teen ripples through his body and keeps him from moving, despite his survival instincts telling him he should. 

“You got work,” Robert growls shaking the keys, “don’t you, boy?” 

Buck nods slowly. 

“Then take the damn keys!” the man yells. “It’s rude to keep your father waiting like this.”

Buck reaches for the keys, and this time he’s less surprised when his father latches onto his wrist with a tight grip. With flashes of a moment like this just over a decade ago, Buck shoves him off, forcing the man back a few steps, and he reaches forward to snatch his keys from the startled man. 

“Get out,” Buck snarls.

His father laughs again, but this time it’s something more akin to what Buck remembers as a kid. 

“Defending yourself?” the man challenges. “That’s new. I thought you fruits were pussies.” Buck clenches his teeth to avoid saying anything. “_You _ always were.” The smirk on Robert’s face makes the man look like he might be _ proud, _ though— proud that his son is standing up for himself. It angers Buck. Defending himself when he was younger wouldn’t have done anything but piss off his father. 

“Leave,” Buck demands. 

His father raises his hands in mock surrender. 

“I’ll be seeing you, Evan.”

The look on Robert’s face haunts him even as he drives to work.

It’s not until he parks his Jeep that he realizes his lip is split, and he’s got all of two minutes— seven if he waits to enter until last minute— to come up with an excuse. 

Ironically, he has his dad to thank for his cover story as this isn’t the first time he’s had to cover for this kind of injury. And he knows exactly how to play it off.

He steps out of his car and does a quick check to see if anyone is around, and when he sees that no one is, he rounds his car so that he’s hidden between his own and another, and kneels on the ground.

He braces himself for a new kind of impact.

He feels ridiculous after, but with his new scrapes, it’ll be hard for anyone to think that something other than falling caused his small injuries. As long as he doesn’t end up with any bruising around his face, he’s in the clear.

When he walks into the station, he manages not to attract much attention, but he knows that if he’s not upfront about the scrapes, it’ll look fishy, so he sets out for the first teammate in sight. 

“Hey, Hen,” he calls into the ambulance. She’s in the back of the vehicle double-checking supply counts. Things like this are usually done at the end of the shift, but she always does a double check before they get going for the day. “Do you have any basic antiseptic?” 

“Yeah, what do you—” she cuts herself off as she looks up and sees his face. He’s now sporting a nice scrape over his birthmark, and though she doesn’t catch it yet, he’s got the matching scuff marks on his palms. “Jesus, Buckaroo. What’d you do?”

“Believe it or not I fell when I was rushing off the steps outside my complex.” The lie rolls of his tongue easily, and he raises his palms for good measure. “I figured I’d take care of it here rather than risk being late.” 

“Boy, you are a mess,” Hen huffs out. She rises from her seat and exits the back of the vehicle, having him follow her with a wave of her hand. “We’ll use the house first aid kit,” she explains. She walks through the locker room and into the women’s bathroom, and Buck sits on one of the benches to wait.

“Buck!” _ Eddie _. The man just saw him not even two hours ago. He’s glad he thought to go with an excuse as believable as this. After dealing with his dad, he’d honestly forgotten that he was just with his boyfriend this morning.

“It’s worse than it looks,” he assures Eddie. “I tripped on the steps—”

“Outside your complex? I told you that you should submit a request to the landlord to have those fixed.” Buck laughs at him as he takes a seat to his side. He’d nearly forgotten that Eddie had complained about those steps before. 

Hen comes out a moment later, the first-aid kit in hand.

“Oh, good! Your boo can do this while I get back to what I was doing.” She’s serious, but her tone is clearly playful.

Eddie laughs and takes the kit from her. He takes one good look at the various scrapes and digs for the necessary supplies. Armed with the small towelette, his face falls into something more serious. 

“Now watch the master at work.”

Buck just smiles, because if there’s ever one person he can rely on to make him feel better, it’s his boyfriend.

The day continues on as good as any other day ever does. A lot of emotions swirl around in his head, and while the anxiety never quite leaves him, some of the aching in his chest eases, making it easier to breathe. Ten years ago, something like this would have affected him the whole day. Now, because of his family and some of the first healthy relationships in his whole life, he knows the difference between tough love and abuse. 

He can’t help but wonder if he should tell Maddie after all, especially because of how his father had acted right off the bat. Buck knows that Maddie would never willingly associate with her father if she knew the truth, but that’s also exactly what keeps him from telling her— what kept him from telling her in the past, too. Her relationship with their father is good, and as far as Buck knows, Robert never hurt anyone else before and doesn’t now. 

He doesn’t know if he could be the one to take away the relationship she has with their father. All Buck ever wanted was a father that actually loved him. Not to mention that it could cause more trouble than it’s worth. Nothing would come of telling someone but drama, and he figures it’s probably easier to tough it out for the few days he’s here.

The day continues on as good as any other day ever does, right up until the end of their shift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self-Harm Explained: Though the scene is very brief, and I do not actually write about Buck hurting himself, I do write the moment leading up to it. It is very short and includes giving himself scrapes to pass his lip injury as something from a fall. No other forms of self harm are referenced/implied.
> 
> I want to say thank you for all the positive feedback on the first chapter. Never before have I received that amount of positivity on one of my works and in such a short amount of time. Just a small update that the chapters did change from 5 to 6, and that is still subject to change. My next chapter is already written and just needs finishing touches and to be beta read. Hopefully, it will be up by Sunday or Monday!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings:** Please remember to read Additional Tags for possible new warnings. I try to add them all at the start, but sometimes I forget something or add something new. This chapter does contain homophobia and a hate crime. Please read with caution if either of these things may be triggering.

Their last call is just shy of terrible. The earthquake had left them feeling less devastated than this. Eddie hasn’t ever experienced this kind of loss on this team, and it weighs heavy on them all when they return to the station one man down.

They exit the trucks with heavy footsteps. When Eddie looks over to the other truck, and the team exiting it, he can see tears still streaming down Firefighter Rosa’s face. They all watch as she wordlessly approaches an empty locker, hangs a jacket on the hook, then retreats to the locker room. Her friend follows after her, but everyone else stays behind. 

It was common knowledge that she and another firefighter, best known around the station as Mackie, were dating. Rumor has it that he was ready to propose, but now they would never get that chance. The jacket is all that remains of him, having left the building on the child he saved before it collapsed. 

Mackie had been running point under Bobby’s orders, and Buck and Eddie followed. It was thanks to him that they were able to get the child out of the closet he’d been trapped in. With the flames as intense as they were, he broke regulations and passed his jacket over to the kid to protect him from the heat, and just as Bobby was calling for an evacuation, a ceiling beam had fallen, bringing much of the ceiling with it. Buck and Eddie had been out of the debris’ path, but Mackie had gone down after pushing the child out of the way. 

They tried calling out for him, but they couldn’t see him under the burning wood and plaster. Buck had immediately dove to help him, but Eddie managed to pull him back before more of the ceiling fell. 

“We can’t just leave him!” Buck yelled. 

“We have to evacuate!” Eddie argued. Then, with a softer tone, he looked into Buck’s eyes and said, “Buck, you know he’s already gone.” Buck looked back at the pile with regret. “We _ have _ to go,” Eddie presses, “or we’ll be next.”

As if to illustrate his point, some of the floor, just feet away from them, cracked and fell away in small pieces. 

Buck nodded and scooped the boy into his arms, and they both made way to leave the building.

Chimney had immediately rushed to aid the kid in Buck’s arms, but there was no stopping Rosa from seeing the name on the jacket around him. 

“Where is he?” she’d demanded. “Where’s Mackie?” 

The building behind them crumbled.

Eddie looks to Buck. It’s the most closed off he’s seen the man since his early days after the bomb incident. After they’d left the building, Buck had been a mess alongside Rosa, and he’d cried as she sobbed in his arms. He was still teary eyed as he sat beside the boy while he talked to Athena, but in the firetruck, Eddie watched his eyes dry up, and everything about him seemed like it was shutting down.

Buck is the last one to join the team upstairs. He sits on the couch, away from the rest of them, but they all look over to him from the kitchen. Bobby is ready to walk over, wanting nothing but to help him, but he shakes it off. For once, this is something affecting them all, and he’s not sure what words could provide the boy with comfort because he doesn’t know what words could even help himself right now.

Had he called for evacuation too late? Should he have sent someone else? Could that person have gotten the job done, or would they have died too?

Bobby recalls Eddie’s retelling of the event and how the man had to pull Buck away from their fallen team member.

“Eddie,” he calls out. Eddie turns to Bobby slowly, eyes not wanting to leave Buck. “Take him home.”

They stop by Buck’s place to grab some things so he can stay the night without needing to return again in the morning. 

Buck’s entire demeanor shifts once they’re standing in the apartment, and Eddie can’t figure out what it is, but he knows now that whatever he’s dealing with, it goes further back than this last call. Eddie is waiting for the breakdown to come— he knows it’s coming sooner or later because he’s seen Buck like this before. It’s not pretty, but Eddie didn’t enter this relationship expecting sunshine and rainbows. He’d been there as his friend through some of his ugliest recovery days after the accident, and they both knew that there could be more when they entered this relationship, both of them having enough baggage on their own. 

Buck stops next to the island, but Eddie steps further forward to take in the state of his place.

The kitchen pantry is wide open, and a few things are tipped over on the counter. Next to the sink is a stack of dishes, more than a day’s worth, and Eddie _knows_ that Buck does dishes every day. He glances upstairs next, and though nothing sticks out from this far, he sees the blanket on the edge of the staircase.

Eddie turns back to Buck, and the man is standing in the same spot. He’s holding his keys so tight that his hand trembles.

“Ay cariño,” he mumbles, reaching for Buck’s hand. “Buck, let go of that, yeah?” Buck blinks, seemingly coming back to himself, and nods before letting go.

“Buck,” he continues. “What’s going on? Can you talk to me?” 

“Not yet,” is the immediate response. Buck seems as surprised by this as Eddie.

“Not yet?” Eddie questions. _ Why wait? _

Buck seems to think it over, then nods his head. “Yeah,” he whispers. “Let’s go home, first.”

Eddie doesn’t know if it’s a slip, but he likes the way it sounds. He decides not to bring it up right now, and he watches as Buck makes his way up the stairs to grab some things. Eddie debates following but chooses instead to clear up some of the clutter around. 

He starts with closing cabinets and fixing things on the counter so they’re not so strewn about. It only takes him a minute or so, which is what he thought Buck would take, but when he looks up, he doesn’t see Buck or hear any movement. 

He gives it another minute before heading up the stairs, too. When he takes in the room, his eyes immediately fall to Buck. He’s in front of the bookshelf that lines the railing for the loft, and in his hands are shards of glass.

“Buck?” Eddie whispers. 

Buck doesn’t look away from the shards, though. Instead, he raises his hand with the large pieces as if to show him, but Eddie still doesn’t catch on. 

Buck places the glass pieces on the bookshelf, then picks up a couple more things. 

A photo frame, Eddie deduces. 

Then he sees it. Buck’s fingers brush over the photo like it’s a fragile relic that’ll fall apart under too much pressure.

“I didn’t realize this fell over,” Buck croaks, voice thick with the emotion that he lacked earlier. He places the photo— one of Christopher and them— on the bookshelf and pushes himself off the ground.

“Sorry I’m taking forever,” Buck apologizes. “Let me just grab my stuff really quick.” Eddie peers at the photo, then back at Buck, who’s shifting through his clothes. He grabs a few things before facing the bathroom to grab toiletries. Eddie can’t help but notice his hesitation to enter the room. 

He wants to say something, but he misses his chance as Buck steps away from the door and beelines for the stairs. 

It’s not until they’re lying in bed that night that Buck whispers to him that the call reminded him of something from his past. Eddie asks some questions, but Buck is too tired to answer clearly so Eddie lets him be. They don’t usually have back to back shifts, but they do this week, and they both need as much rest as possible.

Eddie waits until he’s sure that Buck is fully asleep to slip out of the bed and grab his phone before making his way to the front room.

He dials Bobby.

“Hello?” the captain answers.

“Hey, Bobby.” Eddie sighs in relief that the man answered. It’s late, and under any other circumstances, he wouldn’t think of calling him. 

“What’s going on? Is Buck okay?” 

“Watch out there, Dad,” Eddie can’t help but joke. 

“I resent that,” Bobby frowns into the phone.

“No, you don’t,” Eddie argues.

“No, I don’t,” the captain agrees. They both chuckle, but a sort of melancholy settles over them. “What’s wrong?” Bobby asks.

“I don’t know. He seemed super out of it when we were talking, which we didn’t get to do until he was in bed and falling asleep. I didn’t want to pry, though.”

“Probably for the best,” Bobby agrees. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Uh, yeah, actually,” he says. Bobby hums. “Buck mentioned that this reminded him of something that happened before. Did you guys lose someone before I joined the team?”

“No,” Bobby sighed. “Mackie is the first the station has lost since I took on the captaincy.”

Eddie groans, at a loss for what Buck could have been referring to. “Did we a least figure out what caused the fire?”

Bobby grunts at this. “Yeah. The kid told Athena that it was his father,” he spits. Eddie hears Bobby choking up on the other end. “I got the story on the way home. To keep a long and sad story short, the kid came out to his father and he just about lost it. He was spewing stuff about burning in hell, and when the kid said he didn’t believe in hell, the dad said he’d show it to him.”

Eddie feels like the air’s been forced out of his lungs and the only thing that keeps him from dropping to the floor is the couch. He leans heavily against the armrest and throws this free hand to his face.

Eddie knows how cruel the world can be, but when he’s someone like himself— easily passing as straight— it was always easy to forget the cruel world out there. Part of his move to LA had been so he could escape the discrimination in his city. He knows LA isn’t free of it either, but the thought of this much hate, especially toward your own _son_, was exceptionally unfathomable. 

“You good there, kid?” 

Eddie nearly forgot he was still on the line.

“Did they find the father?” he wonders, avoiding the question.

“Yeah,” Bobby confirms. “We got him running out of the building when we first got there. He was already en route to the hospital for smoke inhalation when Athena got the story from the boy. Someone went and put him under arrest shortly after.”

“Good, good,” Eddie mutters. 

It hits him.

“The kid told them what happened at the scene?” he asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“Buck was with him,” he comments. Bobby doesn’t reply, seemingly lost and not catching on. “When Athena was talking to the kid,” Eddie explains, “Buck was sitting with him. He heard everything.”

“Okay…” Bobby drawls on. “I’m not quite making the connection that I think you are.”

Eddie curses and scratches his head. “What if something like the fire happened to someone he knew?” he guesses. “Or what if the homophobia triggered him? We haven’t exactly talked about how he figured it all out, but— I mean— Considering that before we started dating he was still hesitant to admit he’s bi, I can take some wild guesses at what growing up might have been like for him.” 

Bobby hums again. “I think there are a lot of things that are possible. Numerous aspects could have reminded Buck of this past thing, and not necessarily something that was exactly along the lines of your thinking,” he reasons. “You said he told you a bit before he went to sleep, so maybe he’s working up to talking about it.” Logically, Eddie knows this, but having Bobby tell him helps because he can’t get himself to be as rational as the other man right now. “For now, just keep an eye on him. And go get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Eddie concedes. “You’re right. I’ll see you tomorrow, Cap. Have a goodnight.” He goes to hang up but stops himself short. “And thank you,” he adds.

There’s a soft chuckle from the other end. “You’re welcome, Eddie.” 

They both hang up.

Sleep does not come easy that night, but if there’s one thing Eddie can find comfort in, it’s his love’s arms, and they’re there to welcome him even if the man is asleep, unconsciously moving to embrace him. 

Eddie will help Buck, this much he knows. He may not know how to do it right now, and he may not know how long it’ll take, but he’ll figure it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 17 comments on the last chapter! Honestly, I am still so blown away by y'all's feedback. Thank you so much!  
Once again, the next chapter is typed, but it needs finishing touches and to be beta read. I make no guarantees for a quick update because I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow and I may not even stand to read, much less write. We shall see!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings:** Read end notes and/or tags.

Buck can’t find it in himself to talk to Eddie the next day— at least not about what happened yesterday and about what it reminded him of— but the man doesn’t press, and yet again Buck is so thankful to have Eddie as his boyfriend. He thinks maybe he’ll give some semblance of the truth later, but not until his dad is gone. For now, he holds that information close to his chest, afraid that if he shares it, things will blow up in his face. 

Things are quiet at the station, many of them still mourning the loss of their teammate. Firefighter Rosa’s not in today, but no one was expecting her to be whether she was scheduled or not. His team is quiet too, and he’s thankful for the light day they seem to be having. It allows him to complete his duties without having to make light conversation. He’s not sure he’s up for that right now. 

“Where’s your head at?” The question snaps him out of his thoughts. The voice doesn’t even register as Bobby’s until Buck looks up and sees him. He hooks the bar and sits up, reaching for a towel he’d tossed down next to him before he started his sets.

Buck finds himself lying for the umpteenth time that day when he says, “I don’t know.” 

Bobby hums to himself as if thinking something that he doesn’t quite want to say. He eyes the weights on the bar. “You know you should have a spotter if you’re going to be pressing that much.” The reprimand lacks any real heat, but Buck knows his captain is right.

“I guess I am just pretty lost in my head,” he admits. “I usually ask Eddie, but I didn’t want to bug him.”

Bobby laughs and shakes his head. “You two have been connected at the hip since he’s been with us, and even more so since you guys got together. I really doubt that he’d mind you asking him.”

The reminder warms him in a way that no amount of working out ever can. He and Eddie had beat around the bush for months through his recovery before Hen had pulled their heads out of their asses and literally locked them in the back closet. Buck wishes that a panic attack and Eddie’s unfiltered concern over him hadn’t started their relationship, but he doesn’t hold it against Hen, instead only remembering the time with fondness. 

“Yeah,” he whispers, remembering just a tad late that he needs to respond to Bobby. He manages a small smile and the captain claps him on his shoulder. 

The gesture makes him stiffen and for a second he doesn’t move— doesn’t breathe. Bobby starts saying something else, but Buck misses it. For a second he’s back to the previous morning, and after another, his mind starts spiraling further and further back. 

His brain registers Bobby calling his name, but Buck feels like a bucket of ice water was dumped over him. He takes off before the captain can stop him and doesn’t stop moving until he’s in the bathroom clutching at the edges of the toilet seat. Some part of his brain registers how nasty it must be and how many germs are getting on his fingers with every passing second, but the waves of nausea keep him in place.

A knock resounds through the small room, and Buck can hear Bobby. 

_ The door closed behind him. _

Another round of nausea rolls through him, and he braces his forearms across the seat. 

_ It didn’t lock_, he reminds himself. _ It’s not locked_.

“You okay in there, Buck?” 

_ Get it together! _

He’s too busy trying to keep his lunch in his stomach to reply. Of all the things that could have triggered him today, it just had to be Bobby. Bobby may share the same name as the man but he is nothing like his father and was more of a real dad than Robert ever was.

There’s another knock on the door.

“Buck,” Eddie calls this time, “if you don’t respond, we’re going to come in there.”

It doesn’t actually sound like too bad of an idea because he could really use the support in keeping himself upright. 

More voices come from outside the bathroom, and he does his best to block them out, focusing solely on not puking or falling over. 

Eventually, the door opens. Buck knows it can’t have been more than a minute since he entered the bathroom, but it feels like hours have rolled by and every second has taken a toll on his body.

Outside light floods into the fluorescent-lit room, and Eddie’s arms— he knows it’s Eddie because he knows his touch— wrap around his chest and pull him away from the toilet. It’s only then that he realizes the nausea has subsided.

“Buck,” Eddie says, yet he sounds so far away. Eddie rests him against the wall, holding him up, which is a good thing considering Buck feels like a puppet whose strings have been cut. “Babe, are you with me?” Buck manages a nod, and Eddie breathes out a sigh of relief. 

Eddie grabs one of his hands. “He’s shaking,” he observes. “Hen. Chimney. Can you guys grab a shock blanket and some water?” The two don’t respond, but Buck figures Eddie got some kind of acknowledgment. 

Then Bobby steps into view. “What’s going on, Buck?” The man shines a light in his eyes. “Do you think it’s his head?” 

_ Why would it be my head? _

Eddie and Bobby’s worry seems to increase, and Buck realizes he must’ve asked that out loud. 

“You scraped it up yesterday, remember?” Bobby asks.  
  
Buck shakes his head and pulls his knees into a crossed position so he can rest his elbows on them and lean forward. “It’s not my head,” he tells them. 

Hen comes back with one of the shock blankets and passes it to Eddie, who then wraps it around his shoulders. 

“How can you be sure?” Bobby questions. “That was nausea right?” 

Buck just nods. 

“It could be a concussion with delayed symptoms.”

Chimney returns next, a water bottle in hand. He passes it to Eddie, and his boyfriend unscrews the cap and helps Buck to take small sips. 

Not for the first time, he considers telling them the truth, but he knows he can’t ask them to keep it a secret— especially Chimney because that man can’t keep something like this away from his sister. 

The idea of more drama than it’s worth comes back to mind, but now he wonders if he’s already gone too far to come back. It’s not his head, so they’ll figure out that something caused this fit, and he doesn’t know if he can make up any more lies. Though he’d done it with ease the day before, it hurts to think of lying to his family any longer.

When he was younger, it was easier. Everyone missed the signs, so he didn’t have to lie so blatantly. With how well his team knows him, and some of the things they’ve witnessed in this line of work, there’s no doubt that someone will figure it out. It’s just a matter of who might figure it out first. 

“Ev—” It wouldn’t be the first time that the captain called him by his first name, but right now he can’t stomach the thought, so he sticks a hand out, interrupting the man mid-name, and shakes his head.

“Don’t,” he whispers. Eddie shifts from crouching to resting on his knees. Bobby and the others look on in worry.

“Don’t do what?” Eddie asks calmly. 

Buck takes a steadying breath, gripping at the edges of his blanket. 

_ I can do this. I can tell them. _

“Talk to me, Buck.” 

After a few tense seconds, he finds his voice again. 

“Don’t call me by my first name.” It’s barely audible, and if the team’s being honest, it’s kind of confusing. However, given the situation and the fact that they’ve never seen their youngest member in such an emotionally vulnerable state, they don’t question it.

“Okay,” Bobby answers. “We can do that, no problem.”

“Do you want to stay here or move upstairs?” Hen asks then. 

Buck glances at her, then to Chimney, having forgotten that they were there. Chimney is crouched, looking at him over Cap’s shoulder, and Hen sits to Eddie’s right. Past her, he eyes the toilet again. The thought of moving is enough to make him nauseous, but the thought of being crowded in the small room is worse.

He looks to the bathroom door, propped open by a trash can. Staying here will have to do because he can’t imagine how sick he might feel if he can work up the nerve to tell them the truth.

_ The door is not locked_, he reminds himself. _ The door is open_.

Luckily, based on how they’ve all gathered around him, they don’t seem to be looking for a way out of the conversation. Each of his friends is giving him all of their attention. He knows he has their support.

_ I can do this_.

“My dad’s in town,” he finally says. Chimney and Eddie are probably the only ones aware of this, but they all nod along. 

When he doesn’t speak again for a moment, Bobby tries again. “Was this a panic attack?” 

Buck honestly hadn’t been sure what the hell that was. “I—” he falters, “I think so.”

Chimney is the next to question him. “Is your mom’s death catching up to you?” 

Buck knows that his heart is in the right place, but he can’t help the hysterical laughter that bubbles out of his throat. He shoves a hand to mouth to stop himself, but it doesn’t stop the tears that flow down his face now. They all look like they were expecting this reaction, but they’re mistaken if they think this is sadness. 

“No,” he spits out, harsher than he meant to. “I’m glad that bitch is dead.” His voice cracks on the last word and Bobby looks at Eddie like the man might have answers, but he doesn’t. Buck’s hidden this from everyone.

“Why?”

Buck isn’t even sure who asks it that time, his mind falling into dangerous waters. He wants to tell them. He needs to because, despite what he thought earlier, he’s not sure he _can _ just tough it out. When he was younger, he didn’t have a choice— not if he wanted to keep what good he did have from being ripped away. 

He’s late on the uptake, but after a moment’s thought, he realizes that he doesn’t _need _to tough it out. Everything good in his life has nothing to do with his father. He doesn’t rely on the man’s money, nor does he need to worry about becoming a high school dropout and losing all of his friends.

Everything he’s got in his life is thanks to himself and his own perseverance. All the family he needs has been with him this whole time. It’s a selfish thing, but Buck thinks _to hell with Maddie’s relationship with their father _because Maddie will _get it_. He’s known this the whole time, but now he understands. 

Maybe this is what she felt when she finally pulled herself out of the life she was stuck in with Doug. Understanding that he didn’t have to suffer anymore was like coming up for fresh air. 

“She never loved me,” he says, this time with more conviction. “She only ever loved Maddie.” He sees the look on their faces and goes on before anyone can object, “And that’s fine because it means Maddie never suffered at the hands of my father.”

He takes in Eddie at his side, drinking up the support the man offers him with a single gaze. His boyfriend is biting furiously on the inside of his cheek, and his eyes are filled with tears that are threatening to fall. Eddie glances down at where his hand is still intertwined with Buck’s. His thumb is moving along the side of Buck’s and probably has been the entire time. 

“Your father hit you,” Eddie speaks up.

It’s not a question, but Buck answers him all the same. 

“Yes.”

The room grows cold and a shudder runs through him. He’s never actually admitted this out loud to someone before. His childhood friend had known but only through speculation and his lack of denial.

“Maddie doesn’t know?” Chimney asks.

Buck shakes his head. “He never touched her,” he explains. “Part of it is...” he hesitates for a second, “that she isn’t me. She’s not gay.”

Buck sees Eddie flinch, but the man doesn’t say anything.

“Now that I think about it, I figure it might also be because my mom loved her so much. Even when I was young and they had no idea, there was always this disconnect with me and my mom. She was really protective of Maddie, making sure she met boyfriends—” The thought makes him snicker. “She’d roll in her grave if she knew what Doug did to her. They never liked him, either. It’s a wonder how they ever let her go.”

With not much to question anymore, they wait for him to continue.

“She never batted an eye when my father started hitting me, though. Hard to believe she loved me given the circumstances.”  
  
“Why didn’t you tell Maddie?” Hen wonders. “She wouldn’t have left you there.”

“My parents loved her, and I knew something was up with Doug. I didn’t know how bad it was going to get— never expected the abuse— but I needed her to have somewhere that she could come home to. I still don’t know why she came to me instead of going home when she first ran away from him,” he admits. 

“And did your dad do that?” Bobby guesses, pointing to his lip where Buck had been absentmindedly prodding.

“Yeah,” he whispers. “He came to my apartment yesterday morning, straight from the airport.”

“He pushed you?” 

“No. I scraped myself up as a cover,” he confesses. “I didn’t ever want to tell you guys about this. I didn’t want to start anything unnecessary, and I didn’t want Maddie to lose what she had with her last living parent.”

“Maddie would have wanted to know,” Chim speaks up again. “She would want to now. She deserves to know.” Buck can’t help but flinch at the bite in his words.

Bobby places a placating hand on Chim’s knee, shaking his head. 

“You think I don’t know that?” Buck asks incredulously. His lips tremble, trying to hold back all his frustration. 

Chim looks to Buck again and his face falls. “I know. I’m sorry.” Buck nods and takes a deep breath that feels like it fills his entire body.

“Like I said, we didn’t know how bad Doug was going to be,” he reiterates. “My family has a lot of money, so I didn’t tell her because my dad was supporting Maddie through school and helped her with her first house. She needed that fallback.” Buck runs his free hand through his hair. “I guess it’s different now.”

“What changed?” Hen asks.

Buck looks to each of them, and with the confidence he’d lacked this last week, he responds.

“You guys.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings:** Buck has a panic attack and talks about his abuse.
> 
> Shoutout to everyone sticking with me and this story! I'm very happy with all the feedback I've gotten and it makes this journey all the more fun! I'm sorry this update took so long btw. As I mentioned previously, my wisdom teeth were taken out and the first few days were rough and I am still prone to headaches very easily.  
And so you have the first real look at Buck's past! What do you guys think? Any predictions? I'd love to hear all your guys' thoughts!


	5. Chapter 5

_ “What changed?” Hen asks. _

_ Buck looks to each of them, and with a confidence he’d lacked this last week, he says, “You guys.” _

Shock covers their faces, and he goes on. “I guess I just finally realized that I don’t have to deal with his bullshit anymore.” He watches as the others nod along. “I didn’t do anything when I was younger because, even if my father hit me, I had a lot going for me. He paid for everything I needed, and at one point I was looking at a baseball scholarship, so I couldn’t let that go.”

“Wow,” Hen says. “I didn’t know you were ever even into sports.” 

Buck laughs and swipes at his nose with a small grin. He lingers on the memories for a moment.

“Sometimes it hurts too much to think about,” he admits. “The scholarship wouldn’t cover everything. Tuition was going to be covered, but all other expenses wouldn’t be, and my dad refused to pay it once my mom decided that it wasn’t a good enough profession. I couldn’t afford to work, take classes, and do sports all at the same time because I wasn’t the best at time management. The thought of going into debt with loans was even worse because I didn’t know anything about how to manage my own money…” Buck trails off. “Baseball was one of the few things that actually showed me that that  _ man _ had a side that at least slightly cared about me.” 

“What happened?” Bobby questions. 

“I ran away,” Buck says simply. “It was a rushed decision, but once I had the thought, there was no going back. My friend was planning to backpack through Europe, so I had him wait for me. I stuck it out through the first weeks of summer until I turned eighteen and then got my passport and got the hell out.”

Chimney curses under his breath. “How long were you on your own until you settled in LA?” 

“I was with the same friend for a couple of years. I was really only alone for a little less than a year before I came here.”

“And all those years before joining us?” Bobby asks.

“For a while, nothing,” he admits. “A couple of years back I tried the Navy Seals.” Bobby nods, remembering the small bit of information. “But that gap of time between settling in LA and joining here was a blur of minimum wage jobs and couch hopping. It took me a long time to figure out who I was without my father.”

Everyone is quiet as they take in everything. They’ve just learned more about Buck’s past in this single conversation than they had in two years of knowing him.

“What about yesterday?” Eddie asks, breaking the silence.

“Which part?” Buck asks, honestly not sure what he’s referring to. There was still a lot to digest about the day.

“You said that the building fire reminded you of—”

Buck’s breathing hitches at the same time that Chimney’s phone ringer goes off, and the other man curses under his breath. Buck lets out a sigh of relief because he knows where that question was going, and he’s not sure if he’s ready to talk about that, especially with the team. 

Chimney pulls it out of his pocket with another apology on the tip of his tongue but freezes in his movement when he catches sight of the Caller ID. “It’s Maddie,” he says, glancing at the team.

He answers. “Hey, Mad—”

“Hey, where are you guys?” The close proximity allows everyone to hear Maddie clear as day through the tiny speaker. “I’m here at the station with my dad. I wanted you to meet him and for him to meet Buck’s friends.”

The team all look to the door, the view to the apparatus bay only blocked by thick shelving in the locker room. Chimney is frozen for a second before he shakes his head to get himself back into working gear.

“You’re here?”

“Yeah,” she chirped happily. “You said you guys were on lunch break, so…”

“Yeah! Yep, uh-huh,” Chimney stammers out. “We’re uh.” He looks around, desperately trying to think of a lie. “We’re in the back room right now. We were checking inventory,” he lies. “Unfortunately, Buck’s not here right now,” he elaborates. “But hey, the rest of us will come out in just a minute.”

“Uh…” It’s clear that Maddie knows something is off. “Okay,” she finally decides on. “I’ll see you then.”

Chimney hangs up and stares at them with wide eyes. Buck sends a questioning look and he shrugs. “You didn’t seriously think we’d let you even step into the same room as your father, did you?”

Buck opens his mouth to respond, but can’t seem to find the right words.

“What do you want us to do?” Bobby asks, looking to Buck. “We’ll follow your lead on this, and you’re going to have to tell Maddie sooner or later, but we’re not letting your father near you again if we can help it.”

The thought of having to tell Maddie or see his father again is enough to deeply terrify Buck again. Sobs manage to escape his clenched chest and Eddie immediately grasps the nape of Buck’s neck and presses their foreheads together. He shushes him, whispering words of comfort that the team can’t quite understand. It’s Spanish, they realize, and though they know that Buck doesn’t understand a lot of the language, he seems to take comfort in the soothing tones.

“C’mon,” Bobby calls Hen and Chim’s attention to him. “Let’s go deal with this.” He looks to Buck as he continues. “Then we can see what we can do to help Buck.” 

—

“What are we going to do, Cap?” Hen asks.

“You mean other than punch him on the spot?” Chimney fumes.

Bobby shakes his head and leans back from where he was peeking around the shelving unit in the locker room. He could see Maddie and her father by the fire trucks, and she seems to have struck up a conversation with some of the other firefighters.

“We’re going to have to just lie about Buck’s whereabouts. If we do or say anything right now, we risk exposing a lot of his personal stuff to anyone else in the station, and for all we know, even putting Maddie in danger.”

Hen nods along and Chimney ducks his head in thought.

“I’m not comfortable leaving Maddie alone with him,” Chimney sighs. “Can we come up with some plan to get her to join you and Athena for a double date or something? Maybe we can get Buck to talk to her then?” he suggests.

Bobby tilts his head in thought. “That could work,” he agrees. “Follow my lead for now, though. If anything goes south it’s falling on my head, not my team’s.”

With a quick glance at the bathroom door a few feet behind them, he steps forward, coming into full sight of the two Buckley’s.

Mr. Buckley doesn’t look like much, but based on the state of Buck just moments ago, Bobby is not about to fall for this friendly facade. The man looks his own age and equally as fit, which is surprising for someone who isn’t in a field of work requiring him to be so.

He can sense Hen at his side, barely covering her own rage at the man. Chimney is no better; he knows the man wants to tear Maddie from her father’s side.

“Hey Chim!” Maddie bursts into a bright smile at the sight of her boyfriend, and the happiness covering her face is enough to help Chimney smile back with ease. The woman practically leaps into his arms, and Bobby doesn’t miss the small grimace that makes a fleeting appearance on her father’s face. 

After pulling away from him, Maddie instantly retreats back to her dad’s side. “Dad, this is Howie, my boyfriend,” she introduces, “but we call him Chim. And this is his team, as well as Buck’s. Firefighters, this is mine and Buck’s father Robert.”

Bobby can’t help but blink in surprise, not having known they shared a name. If the others see the connection, they don’t say anything. He tries not to think about how that might have affected Buck in the past.

Chimney, to his credit, does his best to keep his smile on his face as he shakes hands with the man. He eyes the hand critically for a second too long before taking it. Bobby wonders if the same thought that runs through his own head is running through Chim’s.

_ Is he shaking the same hand that Robert used to strike their friend only yesterday? _

“Nice to meet you,” Chimney greets, offering a firm shake.

“You too,” Robert responds. 

“I’m Hen,” Hen says next but doesn’t offer a hand to shake, instead offering a small wave before putting both hands into her pockets.

“Is that short for something?” Robert asks with a light chuckle.

“Sure.”

Maddie raises her eyebrows at the obvious shortness but doesn’t say anything. Bobby extends his hand before Robert can catch on. 

“Robert Nash,” he introduces himself, definitely adding more squeeze to their handshake than necessary. “I’m the captain of the 118.”

“Oh my gosh!” Maddie exclaims. “How did I never realize you guys have the same name? That’s hilarious!” She and her father laugh, and Bobby offers a smile, but Hen and Chim barely blink.

Maddie cuts off her laughter by clearing her throat. Bobby internally groans because, really, these two could be better at playing casual. 

“So where is Evan?” Robert wonders after an awkward moment. “I didn’t get to finish talking with him yesterday before he took off to work.”

Bobby doesn’t miss the way the man’s hand clenches at his side oh so slightly, but something more obvious is Maddie’s confusion.

“You saw Buck yesterday? I thought you went straight to the hotel?” she asks.

“Oh, well I know he’s a busy man,” Robert explains, “so I just tried to squeeze in a quick hello before he had to leave. We were getting somewhere before he had to go, though.”

Bobby and the team may only have part of the story, but it’s enough to know that that’s not how it played out. 

“Well Buck is currently running errands for the firehouse,” Bobby informs him. “I wouldn’t have sent him out if I knew you’d be trying to see him, Mr. Buckley.”

“Oh,” the man waves his hand, “nonsense. I can see him later,” he assures him. “The afternoon is for my little girl anyway. We can get going.”

“Ah,” Chimney interjects, “before you do— Maddie, Bobby and Athena are planning a couple’s date night tonight. Do you think that’s something you want to do?”

Maddie looks to her dad first, and then to Chimney. “I don’t know,” she admits. “I haven’t seen my dad in years…” 

For a moment, the team is at a loss, unsure of what to do. They hadn’t considered that she might reject the offer. Right now she has no idea about her father’s actions and she sees the same dad she’s loved and missed.

“No, don’t be silly,” Robert shakes his head, surprising them all. “My bedtime is practically your dinner time these days. You have a good man here— unlike that Doug fellow—”

Everyone winces at the light mention of Maddie’s ex. It’s still a sensitive subject, and while Maddie knows that they know most of what happened at the beginning of the year, she’s never spoken about it to any of them. Not to mention that the mention of him is a sore spot for Chimney too, considering the way that Doug had lied his way into his life and nearly killed him. 

“— so don’t waste the evening!” Robert rattles on, clearly not sensing everyone’s mood shift. “We can see more of each other tomorrow,” he promises.

_ Over my dead body _ , Chimney thinks. 

“Okay,” Maddie smiles slowly. She turns to Bobby. “I guess we’ll see you tonight then!”

“I’ll pick you up,” Chimney adds. “We’re off at five, so I’ll be there around six?”

“Yeah,” Maddie nods, “sounds good.”

Chimney leans forward and the two depart with a small peck on the lips. Bobby can see Chim stopping himself from keeping her here with them. He’d be lying if he didn’t have the same instinct to do so as well.

The three of them watch as they head out the side garage door, likely where Maddie parked, watching for any sign that the man caught onto something being up. 

Bobby remembers Buck’s car on the side of the building just a second too late. 

If you’re entering the building at the right angle, the Jeep can’t even be seen on the other side of Eddie’s truck, but walking out, there’s no missing it.

Maddie’s steps falter and she turns, unintentionally halting her father’s movement as well. Robert looks at her confused and she motions to Buck’s car. She says something that they don’t hear, but they can gather enough based on how he turns and stares down the team.

Bobby immediately steps forward, trying to think of a decent enough cover. 

He catches one of the smaller trucks in his peripheral. It’s one of the basic four-doors, usually used on beach calls where the trucks and ambulances can’t drive. They hardly used the things, but hopefully it isn’t too much of a reach to say Buck took one.

“Where’s Buck?” Maddie asks before he can say anything. “And please don’t lie to me, Bobby. You all are acting very weird today.”

Her eyes are watering. The woman knows she’s being lied to, but he refuses to throw Buck under the bus now. He takes a deep breath before responding.

“I already told you that Buck was out running official firehouse business. There was an incident—”

“Is he okay?” she nearly shouts.

“There was an incident that involved some paperwork that needed to be taken over to the Chief. Nothing crazy,” he promises. “Buck is fine.”

Maddie shakes her head and peers over her shoulder at her father. She takes a few more steps forward to get closer to Bobby.

“What is going on that you’re not telling me?” she questions in a whisper. “Is Buck avoiding my dad? Does this have something to do with the way he reacted to our mom’s death?”

Bobby takes in a deep breath and decides that some bit of truth is the best way to get her to leave without causing any more of a scene with her father.

“Buck is unavailable right now, but he will talk to you about it tonight,” he concedes. 

“The couple’s date night thing—”

“Is a cover,” Bobby finishes. “Maddie Buckley, if you ever needed to trust me on something, it’s this— right here, right now.”

Maddie takes in a shaky breath and looks down at her hands. 

“Things are okay?” she asks one more time.

“They will be,” he promises. He’s going to make sure of it.

—

“I don’t remember being this exhausted over a conversation before,” Bobby admits, dropping down into the sofa. Chimney leans on the wall next to the window and hums in acknowledgment. 

“Hen’s checking on our boys?” Bobby asks.

“Yeah,” is Chim’s soft reply. 

Bobby rubs at his face with his hand and tries not to groan.

“Did I overstep?” he wonders aloud.

“What do you mean?” Chimney asks.

“I let Maddie know something was wrong and told her Buck would talk to her tonight,” he elaborates. “What if he’s not ready to tell her?”

“The kid pretty much implied he is,” Chimney shrugs. “And it’s not like he gave you much of a response when you told him he was going to need to.” 

“That’s true,” he agrees, but it doesn’t make him feel any better. “Should we be there?”

“When Buck tells Maddie? No,” Chim shakes his head. “I’m going to pick her up and take her there, sure, but I’m only staying if Buck wants me to. I think this is something they need to talk about in a safe environment, and he needs to feel like he can speak freely without judgment. Maddie might be the only one of all of us who gets what he’s going through.”

Bobby knows Chimney is right, but the thought of leaving Buck alone after this afternoon is less than ideal.

He doesn’t get too long to dwell on it before he spots Hen walking up the stairs. She looks slightly less livid than before and even has a small smile on her face.

“How are they?” Chimney asks immediately.

“Considering everything, they both seem pretty good,” she responds. “They’re in the bunks now. Buck seems like he’s okay, but who really knows? That boy hurt himself as a cover to avoid telling us what actually happened,” she adds slowly, as if only just now realizing it herself.

“Well we know what to be on the lookout for, now,” Bobby assures them. “Did you update him on the situation with Maddie?”

Hen makes a noise that sounds more like a yes than a no as she takes a seat opposite of him. They take comfort in each other’s silence for the next few minutes, trying to come to terms with everything new they’ve learned about their youngest member.

Bobby thinks back over Buck’s time with them, looking for signs that he might have missed. Was there anything he could have done differently today to avoid triggering him? 

He figures that Buck never mentioning his parents was one hint at his past, but that could easily mean many things. Bobby isn’t sure what he thought the boy’s parents were up to, but maybe he should’ve been more curious about their whereabouts when they didn’t come after Buck had nearly been killed some months ago. 

“Hey,” Bobby hears. 

Bobby looks up from the coffee table, not realizing that he’d been zoning out, and finds Buck with Eddie right beside him. The latter looks like a stone pillar, ready to support Buck if he were to need it. But the kid looks more sure of himself than Bobby’s ever seen him. 

Bobby had seen determination in him before, but the amount of strength he was seeing now was something else entirely. 

“When I was a kid, I didn’t run,” Buck starts. “I didn’t run because I had everything to lose— or what felt like everything,” he shrugs. “But he took it anyway, and I’m not going to let him take it from me again. I’m tired of feeling so weak.” His voice cracks on the last words, and he reaches his hand back for Eddie’s.

Bobby sees Eddie squeeze Buck’s hand back and offers a slight nod.

“I want to thank you guys for listening to me,” Buck goes on, “and for being here for me.” Buck sniffles and wipes at his eyes. “I don’t think I could do it otherwise.”

Bobby hears another sniffle and glances at Hen. She’s closest to the boy, and she reaches out with her hand. Buck notices and latches on with his own, and she rubs her thumb soothingly over his fingers. 

_ Yeah _ , Bobby thinks,  _ he’ll be okay. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the team knows almost everything now, it seems. And Maddie is set to find out the truth. How do y’all think it will go?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger Warnings:** Homophobic language. Talks of past abuse.

Buck is beyond nervous. He’s not sure he’s ever been so nervous in his life. 

His stomach churns again, and he takes a steadying breath as he paces back and forth in his kitchen. His steps are slow and purposeful, a way to shed his anxiety and jitters before he talks to Maddie.

“Nervous?” Eddie asks from his seat at the table. 

“Nauseous, too,” he mutters. He pauses in his step and takes another deep breath.

“Hey,” Eddie calls out again. “It’s going to be fine. Remember that she knows what it’s like. It sucks, but she’s been a victim of abuse, too.”

_ Victim. _

He hadn’t thought to apply that word to himself before. He’d never felt like a victim— it’s hard to when he’d willingly stayed in an attempt to keep his childhood together.

He resumes his pacing.

“It’s different, though,” he argues. “Maddie was in a relationship. Doug might have been goddamn awful, but he made her feel loved and like she had nowhere else to go.”

“And what? Your father never made you feel secure?” Eddie counters. “He never made you feel like your life then was as good as it could be? I’m not going to pretend I know what you’re going through, but I think I can imagine what it might feel like to be in a shitty spot and wonder if the alternative could be worse.”

Buck shakes his head again, and Eddie just sighs. He doesn’t want to argue with Buck right before he talks to his sister, but he also can’t stand that Buck doesn’t see their situations in the same light. It’s like his boyfriend thinks it’s his own fault.

Neither of them gets much more time to think about it before a knock echoes through the apartment. In one fluid motion, Buck is at the door with one hand on the knob, but he hesitates to open it.

He peers over his shoulder at Eddie. “What if she hates me?” Buck whispers. “She has a good relationship with him. I’m about to take that from her.”

Eddie doesn’t have the words for a response, and Buck seems to get that because his hand twists and the door opens with a click.

On the other side, Maddie looks like a mix of angry and confused. Chimney is standing behind her.

“I’m going to head out,” Chim breaks the silence first. He places a hand on Maddie’s arm. “I’ll be in the area. Just call me when you guys are done talking.”

Maddie nods but doesn’t offer any hug or kiss goodbye. 

With one glance at Chimney, Buck can tell that they probably argued on the way here. He feels bad, but he knows they’ll be okay, even if he and his sister won’t. 

Chimney leaves then. Maddie steps into the apartment and rubs her hands on her pants. In the back of her mind, she wonders why Eddie is here, but she doesn’t question that out loud. She’s here to talk about what’s going on with Buck and whatever the hell happened today.

“I don’t know where to start,” Buck admits after a moment of silence. He’s retreated back to the countertop and she stays closer to the entrance.

“Can I?” she asks. Buck motions the go-ahead with his hand.

“I have no idea what’s going on, but I know it’s serious if even my boyfriend won’t tell me what happened,” she mutters. “I’m trying to keep an open mind because he asked me to, but things aren’t adding up.” Buck nods along as she speaks. “I was trying to be respectful of your feelings before, when we found out mom passed away. But, considering your _ lack _ of reaction coupled with what dad was talking to me about this afternoon—”

Alarms go off in Buck's head.

“What did dad tell you?” he interrupts her.

“That you apparently ran away from home,” she snaps. “He told me that you stopped calling and basically cut him out of your life.” Buck goes to respond, but she continues on before he can. “And I get that I asked you not to tell them I was here when I first got here, but you didn’t even tell them that you nearly died?”

Buck taps the pad of his finger against the countertop, not sure of where to start. His shoulders feel unbearably heavy and he looks to Eddie. He thinks about their conversation in the bunks that afternoon. 

“Put it on me,” Eddie had said. Buck had just told him he wasn’t sure he could carry the weight of this truth anymore. So, Buck did. He told him some of what happened, like the first time his father split his lip. He told him of the time his father broke his bat and burned his baseball mitt. He told him of how love had turned to hate over time and how care became malice. He told him about the rare times that the care was real, and how that sometimes scared him more than the rage.

And Buck had been scared of what Eddie might think of him. Eddie might think that he was weak. Even worse, Buck had worried that Eddie wouldn’t want to deal with him anymore— that this would be too much after everything this year had thrown at them.

“But I’m here for the bad days,” Eddie said. “I am here for everything that comes with being with you, Buck. I knew what I was signing up for. Relationships are commitments, promises that we wake up every day honoring. And everything good that you have filled my life with— and Christopher’s life— can not be outweighed by this.” 

Eddie had offered him strength.

He pulls on that strength now.

“Dad hit me,” he finally says. It’s quiet, but it might as well have been yelled from the rooftops with how silent the room was before.

He hears Maddie take in a sharp breath, but he can’t find it in himself to look her in the eyes right now.

“When?” she whispers. 

“Yesterday morning,” he answers.

“And this is why you avoided him today? What did you say?” she questions, and Buck sees this going a route he hadn’t quite expected. He can see it— she doesn’t get it. “Did you say something about mom?”

Buck laughs, startling both her and Eddie. It’s harsh and empty, and he can’t help it.

“No,” he spits. “You don’t get it.”

“Then explain it to me,” she tells him.

“He didn’t just hit me yesterday,” he fumed. “He hit me when I was a kid. It got worse as a teen—”

“Dad hit you?” she asks as if it’s the most absurd thing she’s ever heard. “Dad who first told me that Doug was no good? The same dad who helped me through my hardest times in nursing school and who I held as he mourned his wife just this afternoon?” 

“Yes!” Buck shouts. “I know it’s not easy to process,” he adds quickly, “because I didn’t even understand that it was abuse until I was older—”

“Abuse?” Maddie nearly screeches. “You’re saying our dad _ abused _ you? No,” Maddie shakes her head vehemently, “_Doug _ was abusive. Why would he _ hit _ you?”

“Maddie—” Eddie tries.

“Shut the hell up,” she snaps, a finger raised at the man. “Buck, explain to me where the hell this is coming from. Dad barely ever even raised his voice at—”

“Because you weren’t _gay_!” Buck yells over her. “Dad loved you because you were the perfect child in the top ten percent of your class and you are so fucking _ straight_! I—” he continues, pointing at himself— “I liked both, but I was still the fruit loop that needed fixing!” he snarls. “And dad couldn’t stand it. When I first mentioned a crush on a boy, he smacked me so hard I saw stars. I thought it was a one-off, but when he caught me in my room with a boy from my team in high school…” Buck trails off shaking his head. He’s still not ready to talk about it.

“And mom?” Maddie asks, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. 

“She didn’t do anything,” he shrugs. “She didn’t encourage it, but she never stopped it either.”

Maddie is silent, but Buck can tell she’s starting to understand. He lets the new information sink in.

“Mads, I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. I know it’s hard to believe because they did nothing but love you, but I didn’t get that same treatment.”

Maddie shakes her head again. “No, I’m sorry. You have no reason to lie— not about this.” She steps up to the other side of the island. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks. “I wouldn’t have let you stay there.”

“Well, why didn’t you tell mom and dad about Doug?” Buck counters. “Why did you come here?”

“Because I was embarrassed,” she answers immediately. “I felt like I was the one doing wrong in my relationship with Doug— like I was the fuck up.”

Buck nods and sticks his hand out. “Same,” he states simply.

Maddie allows her tears to fall and she reaches for Buck’s hand. Though he’s reluctant, he reaches forward and takes it.

“A lot of the world was telling me that liking men was abhorrent,” Buck goes on. “I could shrug that off. But then Dad was telling me the same thing, and I felt _ wrong _. I swear the only reason he didn’t get rid of me was because there was still a chance that I could end up with a woman and not completely embarrass him.”

“I’m sorry,” Maddie apologizes again, and he can tell she means it. “I should have listened to you before saying anything. And I’m sorry I brought him here and he hurt you again.”

“No, it’s not your fault.” Buck shakes his head. “I didn’t tell you because what you have— or had— with him was a healthy relationship. I didn’t want to take that away from you. No matter what he did to me, he loved you and that was all that mattered.”

“Hey,” Maddie says sternly, walking around the island. She pulls him into a hug and he lets her warmth envelop him. “My happiness should never come at the cost of yours, and especially not at the cost of your well being.” Buck nods into her shoulder, and the two stay like that for a long moment.

The sound of shuffling interrupts the silence, and the two look up to find Eddie at the coffee maker. He looks like a deer caught in headlights.

“Sorry,” Eddie whispers. “You guys were making excellent progress, but your man is thirsty, Buck.”

Buck can’t help but laugh as he steps over to Eddie and takes him into his arms. Eddie sets the mug in his hand on the counter and wraps his arms around Buck as well, rubbing his hands up and down Buck’s back.

“So what do you want to do?” Maddie questions as the two men release each other. “If there are any medical records—”

“Whoa, wait.” Buck raises his hands. “What do you mean?”

“What do you want to do about Dad?” she clarifies. “We’re not letting him get away with this.”

Buck sighs and moves to help Eddie with the coffee maker. “I don’t want to do anything,” he answers. “I just want him gone.” The words seem to surprise Eddie too, and he looks to Maddie who shares the same confusion.

“Babe,” Eddie whispers, “he doesn’t deserve to get away with it.”

“But there isn’t much I can really do,” he explains. “Nothing ever landed me in the hospital, and it was so long ago— can he even be prosecuted for it?”

“We can talk to Athena,” Eddie suggests. “She would know—”

“This is part of what I wanted to avoid,” Buck groused. “I don’t want to make this into something. The man’s going to die sooner or later anyway.”

Eddie looks like he wants to argue back, but a slight tilt of Maddie’s head tells him he probably shouldn’t. 

“I’ll talk to him then,” Maddie decides. “I’ll tell him that I can’t get the next few days off, and I’ll get him to leave.”

Buck considers the idea. It’s not the best, but it’s hardly the worst.

“Okay,” he agrees. “But when you talk to him, you take Chimney with you. I don’t want you alone with him.” 

“Okay,” Maddie readily agrees. “We’ll do this on your terms.”

It’s not much later that Maddie leaves Buck’s apartment. The sun had set long ago, and the only thing lighting the apartment is the smaller decorative lighting on the ceiling. Buck considers turning on the kitchen lights, but he finds comfort in the darkness. 

Curled up on the couch beside Eddie, he feels at ease for the first time since Maddie first asked for their father’s number. Eddie must sense it too because he’s smiling into Buck’s hair.

“I’m so proud of you,” he whispers. 

“Proud of what?” Buck asks under his breath. “That I talked about my abuse? That I ruined Maddie’s relationship with our father?”

“I’m proud that you faced your fears,” Eddie corrects. “You told us you were tired of feeling weak today, but you are so so strong, mi corazón.”

Buck huffs in laughter and pokes at him. “You’ve been doing that more lately,” he says, “speaking to me in Spanish. You know I barely understand it,” he adds.

Eddie laughs and grabs Buck’s hand, placing it on his chest. “Mi corazón,” he repeats. “My heart…” He moves his own hand to Buck’s face, tilting it so he can look at his face. “My love…”

Buck’s breathing hitches and his eyes dart to Eddie’s. “Love?” he breathes out. They hadn’t said the words to each other yet.

“Yeah.”

Buck swallows the lump in his throat. “Me too,” he breathes out. 

“Yeah?” Eddie smiles, and it’s enough to light up the room anew.

“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all don't hate me or Maddie after this 😅More of Maddie's feelings on this to come (and warning: they're complicated!)  
What do you guys think will happen when Maddie talks to her dad? Will he go easily? <strike>And did y'all see that not-quite-love confession? </strike>


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings:** I honestly don't think there's anything big. General mentions of past abuse. Nothing graphic in this chapter.

When Maddie leaves, she’s furious. Part of her is mad at Buck because how dare he keep this from her for so long? She had a right to know, especially considering her own past with abuse. Maddie would never willingly be involved with someone like that again, in any form of relationship.

But, considering what Buck said, she understands where he was coming from. Buck got himself out of that situation when he ran away, and Maddie knows how much that must have taken. But coming forward to tell someone about your abuser is something else entirely— she knows this— and she also can’t imagine having to tell someone who loves your abuser.

That’s what Buck did. Her little brother had taken a leap of faith in telling her. 

So, she’s furious. She’s mad at Buck for holding back. She’s mad at her father for doing this to Buck at all. 

But most of all, she’s mad at herself for her initial reaction to the confession… for not realizing what her father was like sooner. And she absolutely loathes the fact that she still loves her father. Part of her hates him for ever laying a hand on Buck, but another part aches at the thought of sending him away and never seeing him again.

It’s hard to wrap her head around the idea that her father hurt him. Maddie can’t recall a time where he ever raised his voice, and especially not a time he ever raised his hand. Her mother, who Buck described as indifferent to her father’s apparent actions, was a loving woman from what Maddie could remember. She and her father had been cautious of Maddie’s love life, and hiding the worst of her relationship with Doug had taken finesse. But most importantly, they loved her. Maddie had never felt unloved by her parents, a privilege she knows many don’t get to experience… not even her own brother it seemed.

Connecting Buck’s version of their parents to the one in Maddie’s head is difficult. But she believes her little brother, which makes what she’s about to do just a little bit easier.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you?” Chimney asks. “We were supposed to be on a couple’s date night, so I don’t think it’d be weird if I’m with you.”

Maddie shakes her head and finishes touching up her makeup in the car visor’s mirror. Her mascara had run at Buck’s apartment.

“No, I’ll be fine,” she assures her boyfriend. “I just need to get him to leave. I’m not confronting him about anything that Buck said.” She wipes a smear of black from her eyelid and closes the visor. “I still can’t believe he told you guys first.”

Chimney lets out a heavy sigh and tilts his head. “He didn’t want to,” Chimney tells her. “He literally told us that he’d planned to tough it out.”

Maddie frowns. “No more of that.” She looks up at the hotel through the window. “This behavior ends tonight. Once he’s gone, I’m not letting him back into Buck’s life again, and he’s sure as hell not going to be back in mine.”

It’s a flimsy excuse, but she works through the details of the lie in her head as she walks into the lobby. Chimney gives her hand one last squeeze before she leaves him there to wait and she heads toward the elevator. She knows Buck wanted Chimney with her, but this is something she has to do on her own, even if it all goes south.

Waiting for the elevator to reach her father’s floor feels like wading through knee-deep water that’s rising and threatening to drown her, but she keeps her emotions in check. When the elevator dings on the ninth floor, she steps out and stalks to his room. She’s knocking before she can even process that she’s there.

“Mads!” her father exclaims as he opens the door. “What a surprise!” He steps back and motions with hand. “Come in, come in!” For a moment, it’s easy to forget everything because standing in front of her is, without a doubt, a man who loves her. 

She smiles back and enters the room. It’s a simple room with a king bed and couch— somewhat out of the ordinary for a man like her father— a man of luxury. Though she knows how much this hotel costs.

“What brings you by?” her father asks. “I thought tonight was date night!”

“And I thought you were an early sleeper?” she challenges playfully.

“Okay, okay,” he waves his hands. “You caught me. But I didn’t want you to pass up a date,” he says earnestly. “I only wish I’d gone on more dates with your mother.”

A pang of sadness hits her but is quickly replaced by one of guilt. 

“Well, thank you, dad. It was a—” she struggles for a word, “—an interesting night.” _ That was one way to put it. _ “But I came to talk to you about our plans for the rest of your stay. I was on my way home from our friend’s place when I got a call about work. My friend Josh who was going to switch shifts with me had a family emergency, and he can’t anymore.”

Her dad sighs and moves to rest on the armrest of one of the couches.

“So you won’t be available for the rest of my stay?” he questions. 

“No, unfortunately.” 

Her dad nods. “So you came to say goodbye?” 

“Well, of course. It’s been years since I’ve seen you. Who knows when we’ll get the chance again?” Maddie has to stop there for a second because she feels herself becoming overrun by many emotions. 

She knows how awful he really is, but over forty years of love is playing through her head. This is her goodbye to him for good, and he doesn’t even know it, not yet.

Her thoughts are interrupted by her father coming into her line of sight. She didn’t realize she had been looking down, tears threatening to spill. 

“Oh, it was so nice to see you again, my dear Maddie.” He pulls her into a hug, and she hugs him back. “Don’t be sad— I’ll come back and visit again soon.” Maddie nods into his shoulder then pulls away. She knows she won’t let that happen.

“Well,” her father huffs, “I suppose I should schedule a flight out of here. Or, hey!” Maddie jumps at the shout. “I could extend my stay to reach your next free day.” 

Maddie’s heart nearly jumps into her throat. 

“Oh, no, that won’t do,” he mutters. “I have plans with some friends on the day of my return. Perhaps I’ll leave early? Not much for me here if I can’t visit with you.”

The relief that floods through Maddie is so strong she swears her heart stops and starts again all in a single moment. 

“It’s not like I could visit with your brother, either,” her father complains.

“Yeah,” she answers absentmindedly. “He seemed a bit closed off,” she admits.

“Oh, so you saw him?” he asks, surprised.

_ Oh fuck. _

“Did you get the chance to talk to him about the things we discussed this afternoon?” he questions.

“Oh, no,” she lies quickly, trying to figure out where Buck could have fit into her evening. “We were all having our couple’s date night thing. It wasn’t the right setting.”

“He was with you?” Her father’s face sours immediately, though she wouldn’t know about the mood shift if she wasn’t seeing him with her own eyes. “And he was with his… _ boyfriend _?”

_ Double oh fuck. _

“Yeah,” she answers lamely. Her father already knows about Buck and Eddie, so what use would lying be?

The man’s face only screws into a nastier expression. “And you guys are all just okay with that?”

“Why wouldn’t we be?” she wonders. 

“Your brother lies with another man,” he states as if it’s obvious. That doesn’t bother you?”

“No,” she tells him. “I didn’t realize it bothered you though.”

He shakes his head and waves his hand. “I suppose it doesn’t always. I have no problem if people want to be gay and go to hell for it, but my son? No, my son should not be acting on those strange impulses and urges.”

Maddie sucks in a harsh breath. 

That’s all it took to see the ugly truth— just a few minutes and the right questions. 

She must give something away because her father goes from eyeing her critically to smiling again. “I’ll visit him when he gets his act together,” he says. “He’s just confused, but if that relationship with that woman you mentioned is anything to go by, there’s still a chance he’ll end up with one. What he has is a foolish dream. He just needs to grow a pair.”

Maddie nearly flinches, remembering the conversation she and Buck had when he’d come out to her before getting together with Eddie. He’d told her about certain people’s beliefs about bisexual people, but she didn’t realize that his understanding of those beliefs came from their own father.

She wants to say something, but she fears the direction their conversation could take. She doesn’t believe Robert would hit her, but she also didn’t believe that he’d hit Buck. And she doesn’t want to take any chances if he’s already got one foot out the door. 

“I suppose so,” she forces herself to respond. Her smile is tight. “I should be heading out now, though. Chimney is waiting down in the lobby.”

“Chimney?” he looks confused.

“Howie,” she corrects, “my boyfriend. We call him Chim.”

“Ah,” he hums. “Chim is the name I remember.” He steps forward to hug her again, but this time Maddie has to remind herself to return the gesture. “I’ll miss you, Maddie. Take care of yourself.”

“I will,” she replies. “And you too.”

She says goodbye to Robert Buckley then leaves.

She gets a message just before falling asleep that night. A photo shows flight information that tells her that Robert Buckley is taking off the next night. There’s also the message asking her to see him off if she can spare the time. She replies with the negative because of her “busy” schedule. Without waiting for a response to that, she pulls up Buck’s contact and calls him— hopefully it’s not too late to catch him before bed.

Buck answers on the third ring. “Everything okay?” he asks immediately.

“Yeah,” she answers. “I just thought I’d let you know that Dad’s leaving.”

Buck is silent for a moment. The only thing Maddie can hear is his breathing. 

“Are you serious?” he whispers.

“Yes,” she nods, though she knows he can’t see her. “I had Chimney take me tonight. He’s already scheduled a flight out of here.”

Maddie isn’t sure what kind of reaction she’s expecting, but it’s not Buck’s sob of relief and the thank you’s that start spilling from his mouth.

“Hey, hey,” she coos softly. “Buck, it’s okay. He’s leaving. I meant it when I said I would get him out of here.” 

“I— I know,” he insists. “But to— to actually know that he’s going to…” Buck takes a deep breath. “Thank you, Maddie.” 

“Anything and everything for you, Buck.” Maddie can practically hear his smile on the other end with the way he huffs. “I have to get to bed, but are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Eddie’s coming back in the morning after he takes Christopher to his grandmother’s. She’s got some kind of plans with him and another one of his cousins. We’re spending the day off with hot chocolate and movies.”

“Hot chocolate?” Maddie questions. “With this weather?”

“Hey, don’t criticize my comforts,” he defends.

“Okay,” she laughs. “Good night, Buck.” 

“Night, sis.”

She hangs up without another thought and falls asleep within moments. 

—

Buck wakes up to his phone going off. Peeling his face off of the pillow, he peers over at where he’d tossed the phone the night before. The screen is lit with a number he doesn’t recognize. Part of him thinks that it’s spam, but he picks it up anyway.

“Hello?” he mutters.

“Hello,” a voice too chipper for the hour answers. “Is this Evan Buckley?”

“Yeah,” he says slowly, sitting up in his bed. “Who is this?”

“This is Stephanie calling from the Ritz-Carlton Hotel in Los Angeles, California. I believe someone related to you was a guest here.”

“Yeah, that’d be my father. Is everything okay?” 

“We aren’t sure. We found your name and number written on the desk notepad."  
  
Probably from Maddie sharing it with him before, he figures.

"It appears he forgot some medication, and typically we dispose of them, but one of our staff recognized the medication and they seem important. We tried calling him, but we can’t reach him.”

“Yeah,” Buck says again. “My sister mentioned that he needs to take it every—” A realization clears the usual morning fogginess that is his thoughts. “I’m sorry, did you say he _forgot_ them?”

“Yes. He checked out less than thirty minutes ago, but we haven’t been able to reach him.”

_ Less than thirty minutes ago. _

He wasn’t supposed to leave until tonight. Did Maddie have that wrong?

“Can you guys hold onto them? I can try to reach him myself.” 

“Yes,” Stephanie responds. “We can hold onto it for three days, at which point it will need to be disposed of.” 

“Okay, thank you.” 

Buck hangs up before waiting on another response. He gets out of bed and runs a hand through his hair. He immediately dials his sister.

“Buck, it is way too early,” she greets him.

“Dad checked out of his hotel this morning,” he says in lieu of a greeting.

“What?” she asks in disbelief. “He’s not supposed to be leaving until tonight.”

“That’s what I thought.”

"How do you know?" she questions.

He quickly goes over the phone call, and she does remember giving Robert his number when he first called her from the hotel.

Buck hears his sister curse at the end of it. The distinct sound of blankets being thrown comes through the speaker.

“When should Eddie be there?” Maddie asks. 

Buck looks to the clock, it’s barely eight in the morning. “An hour, maybe? Right about now he should be taking Christopher to Isabel’s—” 

“Okay, then I want you to get dressed and leave.” Maddie interrupts him. 

“Wait, what?” He freezes outside his closet door, heart racing away in his chest. “Do you think he’s coming here?” 

“I— I don’t know,” she sputters. “But something doesn’t feel right.” 

“Did he pick up on anything being wrong last night?” 

“I didn’t think so,” Maddie rushes out. “But he said some weird stuff, and even if he’s just coming to say goodbye, I’d rather you not be there.” 

He starts moving again. “Okay, I’ll get going—”

“Who’s closest to you?”

“What?” Buck rips a t-shirt off the hanger and snags his sneakers from the floor.

“I know one of your friends lives closer than I do.”

“Oh. Yeah. Bobby does.” Buck puts his phone on speaker so he can set it down and finish getting dressed. 

“Okay, call Bobby and head over there,” Maddie commands. “I can come and get you from there, but the traffic at this time— you’d get there twice as fast on the surface streets than I can get to you.” 

“Okay, yeah. I’ll call him right now,” he promises.

“Be careful,” Maddie says before hanging up. 

He pulls his laces tight and picks up his phone again to call Bobby. 

The man answers on the second ring, or rather, Athena does.

“Hey, Buckaroo,” she greets. “Bobby’s driving right now, but you’re on speaker with just us. What can we do for you?”

Buck’s heart sinks into his stomach. He hated interfering with other people’s lives, and now he knew Bobby was already out doing something.

“No— nothing. It’s fine,” Buck stammers. “I’ll talk to— talk to him later.”

“I’m right here, kid,” Bobby’s voice comes through, though it sounds a bit further from the phone than Athena. “Talk to me.”

“It’s nothing,” Buck insists, tying his second shoe with the phone smashed between his shoulder and cheek. 

“Sure doesn’t sound like nothing,” Athena comments. “Are you okay?” 

The sincerity behind her question has Buck faltering. “I— I don’t know,” he admits, anxiety welling up in his chest. “Bobby, I think my dad’s coming here. I was going to ask if I could drive over.”

“Your dad?” Bobby’s voice raises. “What happened?”

“Well long story short, after I told Maddie about this all last night, she went to talk to him. She didn’t say anything about me telling her, and he was supposed to leave tonight, but I got a call about him leaving his medication behind and that he had already checked out of his hotel. Maddie thinks there’s a chance he might come here.” 

Bobby curses, and the sound of cars honking fills the background.

“Jesus, Bobby!” Athena shouts. “What are you doing?” 

“We’re coming to you, Buck,” Bobby explains. “We’re not even five minutes away. We were on our way to breakfast.” 

“Bobby—”

“Do you feel like you’re in danger?” Bobby questions seriously. 

“Maybe,” Buck responds. “Maddie says she’s got a strange feeling, and I trust her gut. She’s been through this.”

“That’s good enough of a reason for me,” Bobby replies. 

“Someone explain what the hell is going on!” Athena demands.

“Honey, I love you, but there is no time. I just need you to trust me. Buck, leave your apartment and walk to the convenience store on the corner of your street. We’ll pick you up there.”

“Okay, I’ll head there now.” Buck trots down the stairs and grabs his keys off of the table by the door.

“Do you want me to stay on the line?” Bobby asks.

Buck hesitates before responding. “Yeah,” he breathes out.

“Okay, we’re staying on. Do you mind if I catch Athena up to speed?”

Buck makes a noise of confirmation and gathers himself and his wallet. 

He distinctly remembers the last time he felt like this. He was eighteen and ready to make a break for it. Packing subtly was tough around an overbearing father, so he’d done it in stages, packing different necessities at different times and sneaking spare toiletries from the bathroom. 

And here he was again, running away from his father.

Looking back at his apartment, Buck is thankful for his friends and knowing that this time he’s going to come back home.

Without further ado, Buck swings the door to his apartment open. 

He’s stopped dead in his tracks by his father’s frown.

“Going somewhere?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love me or hate me. you decide. how are we feeling fam? 🤔 what do you think happens? feel free to yell in the comments or on tumblr.
> 
> PS: There is a secret meaning to the floor number for Robert's hotel room. If anyone figures out what it is, I'll post a snippet from the next chapter in the comments.  
UPDATE: It has been figured out! Head into the comments to search for the snippet 🤓


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING!!!** This chapter contains graphic violence (or, at least what I consider to be graphic) and intense/homophobic language. It contains the physical and verbal abuse of an adult by their parent. It contains mentions of conversion therapy and biphobia. If this is something you are not comfortable reading, _do not read it_. HEED THE STORY WARNINGS AND TAGS!

_ He’s stopped dead in his tracks by his father’s frown. _

_ “Going somewhere?_”

“Buck?” He hears Bobby’s startled shout over the line. 

Buck tries to slam the door shut, but his father moves just as fast, and he pushes himself into the doorway, pressing back with a force that makes the bones in Buck’s arms rattle. The phone slips from his grip entirely and clatters against the tile.

“What are you doing here?” Buck demands through gritted teeth, still pushing on the door.

His dad is already halfway into the apartment, but he still has to put up a struggle to keep the door from smashing shut on him. 

“I came to talk, Evan!”

“Yeah, for some reason I really doubt that,” Buck snaps.

“Just hear me out, son. Look, I’ll even stop pushing.” And sure enough, Robert backs off, releasing the door entirely, and Buck’s force slams the door shut.

Buck has it locked before he can think twice, and he scrambles for his fallen phone.

“Bobby—” he rushes out.

“Buck!” Bobby shouts back, relief evident in his voice. “What’s going on?”

“My dad’s here.”

“Are you okay?” 

“I— I don’t— I mean _ yes _, but—”

“Evan!” his dad calls through the door. “I just want to talk.”

“He just wants to talk,” Buck relays through the phone.

“Do you believe that?” 

“I don’t know,” Buck whispers truthfully. Robert wasn’t _ always _ violent. There was a reason that Buck had managed to survive his youth. 

“Son,” Robert calls again. “We can just talk and then I’ll leave. I already have a flight out tonight.”

And Buck knows that’s at least half true. 

“You’re still coming?” Buck asks Bobby.

“Of course.”

“I’m going to try and talk to him,” Buck decides.

“Are you sure that’s the best idea?”

Buck groans. “No,” he admits. “But he said he’d leave after.”

“And you believe him?” Bobby questions.

“I’m not sure, but I can take a hit or two if it gets him gone soo—” 

“You shouldn’t be taking any hits,” Athena responds harshly. “You should not put yourself in danger.”

“Then what do I do?” he questions desperately. “You guys come here and he just starts yelling at everyone until he’s forced to leave? He’ll just come back. Shouldn’t I just face him now and get him to go for good?” 

Athena doesn’t respond. Buck’s not sure either of them knows what he should do in this situation. 

“I advise you to wait for us,” Athena says after a moment. Buck knows who his father is, but Athena knows the type of person he is, and how that type of person can be. 

Buck doesn’t like it, but he agrees. Things had always gone sideways pretty fast when it came to his father.

The decision is taken away when Buck’s door unlocks and opens.

Buck’s eyes dart to it, and his father stands on the other end waving a key around. 

“You’d be surprised what a few hundred dollars can get you.” His father says. “It helps that we share the same last name.”

Buck was going to sue his landlord.

“Buck? What’s going on?” Athena asks. 

“I have to go.” 

Buck doesn’t wait for a response before setting the phone down on the counter, Bobby’s shouting fading away to nothing. He doesn’t hang up, though. As much as he doesn’t like the idea of his dirty laundry being aired out where his boss could hear it, he’d rather they know if he’s in trouble.

Now, much like the day before, he takes a deep breath to calm his nerves. 

_ I can do this. _

“Now can we talk?” his father asks as he adjusts his suit cuffs. After a moment, he shuts the door behind him and locks it, then moves just a bit closer to Buck. Buck doesn’t try to be subtle as he moves away. 

“No beating around the bush,” Buck says sharply. “No small talk. Just say what you need to and leave.”

His father huffs. “Fine. I really just came to let you know I’m leaving. I figured it was only polite I say goodbye.”

“That’s why you bribed the landlord then?” Buck jerks his chin at the key in Robert’s hand. 

Robert shrugs. He looks around the apartment, taking his sweet time in making Buck wait. He points at his cell phone. 

“Who was that?” 

“None of your business,” Buck answers. 

Robert’s eyes travel to a photo frame next to the fridge. 

“I see you fixed that,” he mutters. 

Buck looks at the photo. It’s the one whose frame broke the other day. He’d put it in a new one, but he hasn’t had the chance to put it away yet. 

“You did that?” Buck questions. 

“It was an accident,” Robert says unconvincingly. Buck knows it was no accident. 

Buck remembers his father snooping around his room. He realizes now what the cracking sound was. His dad said it was the floorboards at the time. 

“Okay, you said your goodbyes,” Buck snaps. “You can go now.”

“That’s not _ all _ I came to say, though, Evan. Let a man breathe in between his sentences.”

Buck crosses his arms and levels him with an unimpressed glare.

Robert rubs at his chest, almost absentmindedly, before saying his next words.

“I have an offer.”

“I don’t want your money,” Buck sighs exasperatedly. 

“That’s not what I mean,” the man insists. “Listen, I think I can help you.” 

“With what?”

“I can see my earlier methods didn’t work—”

“_What?”_

“—but I have faith and this is much less primitive. There are studies, and I’ve seen cases where these new programs work.”

Buck’s breathing hitches, and his heart beats dangerously hard in his chest.

“What programs?” Buck demands.

“Programs that help you to stop giving in to your homosexual tendencies.”

Buck’s heart takes a dive into his stomach. “You mean conversion therapy?” he hisses.

“No,” his father waves his hands in the air. “It’s not like that. It’s a _ program_. It’s for adults, and everyone that’s there is there willingly.”

Buck nearly vomits at how nauseous the words make him. 

“Fuck, Dad, I don’t care what you _ call it _! It’s conversion therapy and sexuality is not something that can be fixed!”

“Yes! It can!” His father shouts as he steps closer. “You’re already halfway there!”

And the sad part is that Buck’s father looks so earnest. He looks like he’s really trying to help him.

“This Eddie guy might’ve been a setback, but you still like women, right? There is a chance for you to be saved!”

Buck recoils as if the words themselves have hit him. “I’m not gay! It’s called bisexuality,” he spits out. “It means I show interest in anyone. It’s not a bridge between here and there that I’m stuck on! And even if I were gay, it wouldn’t mean I need to be saved. The way a man loves a man is no different than the way a woman loves one. You’re so fucking den—”

Fool me once, fool me twice, blah blah blah… Buck _ really _ should’ve seen the hit coming. 

He barely processes his father’s movement before he hears a suction-like sound over his left ear and feels the pressure of air build up. 

The reaction is instant, and Buck stumbles back a step, cupping his ear with a shout. A sharp pain shoots through it as high-pitched ringing takes over.

He hadn’t even realized how close to him his father had gotten in his ravings. 

“Evan, listen to me,” his father pleads as if he hadn’t just possibly ruptured his damn eardrum. “You don’t know what you’re saying. Come home with me. These places are outlawed in California, but not back home. Do the program—”

Buck looks up at his father, face twisting with disgust. “I am home, and I know exactly what I’m saying,” he says. “Get out.”

Robert's nostrils flare. “I tried.” The man shrugs and then advances. 

Robert brings his hand up again and smacks Buck clear across the face. His head snaps to the right and he stumbles sideways into his kitchen table’s chairs, knocking them to the side. He grabs one before he can lose balance and tries to push himself up, but his head spins and the world tilts dangerously.

“You know you perverted the mind of your sister,” Robert accuses him as he removes his jacket. “She was my one good child.” 

“What the hell are you talking about now?” he asks.

His father growls and steps forward into his space— so close that his father’s breath hits his face as he exhales.

“Your sister came to me last night,” Robert starts. “She was just saying her goodbyes. I should have known something was up. You put her up to it, didn’t you? You got her thinking that this shit is okay, and suddenly I’m the bad guy because I don’t want my son to be gay? You think I want to die knowing my son is going to hell?”

Spit sprays across Buck’s face with the last of his father’s words. He cringes away, but his head ends up dipping. It’s Robert’s tight grip that keeps him from falling. One of his hands reaches up to Buck’s face and he digs his fingers into the hollows of his cheeks. 

“Are you even paying attention to me?” Robert screams into his face, shaking Buck. “You’re a grown man! Can’t you take a couple of smacks anymore?” 

Buck looks up with eyelids weighed by disorientation and a smirk on his face. He thinks back on his previous words. He wasn’t weak for not fighting back when he was a kid. He knows that. But there’s nothing stopping him now. Adrenaline pumps through his veins at the mere thought of his next move.

“I can take a hit,” he says. “I can deal a good one, too.”

Before Robert can process the words, Buck rears his head back and out of his father’s grip, then snaps it forward into his face. Robert stumbles back into the island, a hand reaching for his nose. Buck isn’t sure he broke it, but seeing the blood run down his face is satisfying enough.

Buck takes a moment to gather himself, his pain fading to the background as his anger takes over. 

His father looks at him with fury raging behind his eyes. 

“Where did I go wrong with you?” Robert asks, face full of confusion. “You had so much potential!”

“The only thing wrong with me was you!”

Buck’s fist is connecting with the man’s face in the next second, and the movement makes him dizzy. Robert uses the opportunity to pull himself away from their spot and stagger toward the door. 

Looking at the man, Buck hopes that he’s leaving— coming to his senses and getting the hell out— but he’s not that lucky. He realizes that the man is just putting distance between them. 

But Buck just needs to last long enough for Bobby and Athena to get here. Though, Buck isn’t feeling too hot, so he hopes they’ve heard enough to know they ought to be calling some back up as well.

He squares his shoulders again as his dad readies his own stance.

“The fairy fights back now?” The man challenges, raising his arms in invitation. “C’mon, son! Show me what you got!”

The man charges at him and Buck uses the momentum to grab his shirt and toss him back the way he came. 

His father smacks his head on the bike that hangs from the wall, sending it swinging dangerously, and knocks the small table by the door away from the wall and to the left, sending the stuff on top of it skittering across the kitchen floor. 

Buck doesn’t give him time to recover before he’s on him again, landing a blow to his face. This time, there is a distinct crunch, and Buck practically laughs.

“You insolent shit!” Robert roars. 

Before Buck can punch him again, he’s got his arms wrapped around his midsection and Buck feels his feet leave the ground. His back meets it a second later and, despite his attempt to keep it up, his head snaps back against the floor. It knocks the breath right out of him and worsens the ringing in his head, and both he and his father take a moment to catch a breath.

Buck pushes himself off of the tile and forward with the intention to hit him again, but Robert dodges the blow and swings Buck’s body into the door. Robert pulls Buck’s arm behind his back with one hand and presses his face against the wood with another.

“You’re not fighting back very well,” he taunts.

Buck presses back with enough force to loosen his dad’s grip and push off the door, but he gets slammed back into it. His head bounces off of the surface, and his side narrowly misses the doorknob.

“No wonder you never did it before,” Robert mutters, almost like it’s an afterthought. 

“You think I didn’t want to punch you then?” Buck snarls. _ What good would that have done? _

And then he realizes something and his insides twist. 

“You wanted me to fight back?” he questions.

“Of course I did!”

Buck’s body lurches as he’s pulled from the door and thrown into the table again. This time there’s no stopping himself, and he collides into it. The small table collapses under his weight, side legs breaking and the surface snapping in two.

Buck rolls off of it, but he’s not fast enough. He feels hands on his shoulders, and the next thing he knows, he’s flat on his back again, this time with Robert hovering above him.

When Robert latches onto his neck, shock and terror course through Buck. 

Robert Buckley had done many things in his life. When Buck was younger, he’d loved him. When Buck was in middle school, Robert had slapped him around. And when Buck was in high school he’d started beating him. 

Never had he put his hand to his son’s throat.

Buck’s hand shoots out, trying to claw at his father’s face, but they barely reach, so he pounds at his arms and kicks up with his legs, hoping to dislodge him. 

“I was trying to help you!” his father roars with watery eyes. “I gave you everything you needed! I funded your sports and made sure you had the best gear! I made sure you had what you needed for school! I kept you healthy and put a roof over your head! What did you give me? You were never grateful! You—”

“I was!” Buck chokes out. 

It’s true. Even when his father had started smacking him around for the small things like forgetting to take out the trash, he was grateful. Even when his father first left him bruised, he’d brushed it off because it was his father who iced the ache. Buck had forgiven his father for a lot because he bought him a laptop before a lot of kids had a phone. He’d bought him a car before he could even drive. Buck was never ungrateful for those things. He’d been so grateful that he didn’t realize that other kids didn’t get a literal kick in the ass for forgetting to mow the lawn.

“I was,” he cries. But his father’s grip tightens, and anything else he could’ve said gets stuck in his throat.

Buck swears he can hear his heartbeat pounding in his entire body and echoing into the room, and he feels his father’s tears fall onto his own face, red from mixing with the blood on his face. 

“You weren’t,” his dad says. “You needed to man up. You needed to grow a pair and stick up for yourself. Only pussies don’t fight back. I was teaching you how to be a man!”

_ I was fifteen _ , Buck thinks. _ I was fifteen when you first hit me so hard I blacked out _.

A final pounding reaches his ear, and out of the corner of his fading vision, he sees his front door fly open. 

The pounding and ringing in his head are enough to block out what Athena says, but her badge is on her hip and her gun is aimed at his father.

When the hand releases his neck, Buck feels his body jerk up as he gasps for air. He stops thinking about anything after that, choosing to focus on not coughing up his lungs. He tries to prop himself up on an elbow, but it takes too much energy. 

Buck flops back to the ground and turns his face into his arm, letting himself remember how to breathe.

He doesn’t even realize that he’s started to drift off before familiar hands are gently lifting his face.

“Bobby,” he exhales. He attempts to sit up, his cheek sliding against the calloused hands. “M’left ear,” he slurs. 

Bobby shifts to look at it. “No pus or blood,” Bobby notes. “Both good signs. Do you have any dizziness or ringing?” 

“Both.”

“Alright, let’s get you sitting up. No falling asleep.”

It’s a painful process. His entire face is a throbbing pain and his back feels like it was split like the kitchen table. He didn’t realize how hard he’d gone down and hopes his ribs aren’t broken. 

When he’s finally got the upper half of his body off of the ground, Bobby pulls him into leaning on his chest. He looks up and sees his father, arms up and hands clasped behind his head with Athena’s gun still trained on him. The man’s eyes are laser-focused on it. 

“Can I lower my arms? They hurt,” the man says.

“Shut the hell up,” Athena snaps. “You just stay still.”

Considering that neither of Buck’s friends is making any moves, he figures that they’re waiting on backup.

Sure enough, not even a minute after he has the thought, a couple of officers enter the room, and Athena holsters her gun.

“I’m having a hard time breathing,” Robert says after being read his rights— practically spits them out. “My son probably broke a rib. You should arrest him, too.” The two cops stare at him in disbelief. 

“You’ll be cleared by the paramedics when they arrive on the scene,” the one holding his arm tells him. “If you need further medical attention, you’ll be transported to a hospital.”

Buck doesn’t pay attention to the man’s response, choosing to lean into Bobby’s warmth instead. A particularly sharp pain from the small shift makes Buck hiss, and Robert’s gaze turns to them. 

He doesn’t like what he sees. 

“You get your hands off my son!” Robert yells.

“Your son?” Athena spits. 

“Yes! You hear me, _ Captain _?” he shouts at Bobby. “My son! Not yours!”

“You damn near _ killed _ your son!” Athena yells back. “Are you kidding me?”

“He needed to be taught a lesson! After all these years, he still doesn’t get it. He’s _ weak _,” he spits. “It’s pathetic.”

“Weak?” Bobby scoffs from his side. “This boy is one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.”

“How many times did he let you fuck him to get you thinking that?” He asks. His eyes settle on Buck with a cold smile on his face. “Your daddy issues get a little out of hand, boy?”

Buck’s blood runs cold at the accusation and his stomach curls unpleasantly, but Bobby doesn’t even twitch.

“Your sister told me all about you and your new _ daddy_,” Robert rattles on. “She went on about how the captain was there for you through your accident and how he helped you find your path in life or some bullshit. She couldn’t see it for what it was, but I do. That captain of yours has satisfied your perverted cravings—”

“When can he go?” Buck mutters, opting to ignore the rest of his father’s words, with a cracked voice to Bobby— his friend and the closest thing to a real father figure he’s ever had. He doesn’t care if he latched onto Bobby because he’s pretty sure that Bobby latched onto him, too. 

“Waiting on the paramedics,” Bobby reminds him.

“Trying to get rid of me, I see.” Robert makes a move toward him and the second officer latches onto his other arm alongside their partner. “I should’ve gotten rid of you first. There was a reason your mother never loved you, and it wasn’t just ‘cause you’re a sinner! You were a mess as a kid!” The officers shout to try to get him to calm down, but he continues his ranting. “You never did anything right! We could see it once you started school— a fuck up waiting to happen! You’re lucky all I did was hit you! I should’ve sent you to that camp when you were a kid and I was in control.”

Buck flinches at the words and Bobby pulls him into his chest, one hand tentatively covering Buck’s ear, as if to protect it from anymore blows. 

“I was trying!” Robert spits out. “At least I cared, unlike your mother! She couldn’t bear to give a damn! Look where that got me, though!”

“Sir, you need to calm down! _ Right now _!” Buck isn’t even sure who said it.

“I should’ve let you rot! I should’ve never let you out of that—” He cuts himself off with a sharp intake of air. Everyone eyes him wearily. “God, my _ chest _,” he mutters, this time looking like he’s actually in pain. His eyes flutter as he blinks in rapid succession. “I can’t— I can’t—”

And then he collapses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this chapter was intense, to say the least, aka the reason for my chapter warnings. This chapter is some of the more triggering content I’ve written. It was especially hard to write because, as much as I love hurt/comfort fics, it’s not actually _easy_ to write them. This chapter took me three weeks to write because it was that hard— hence the two-week delay in posting Ch 7 recently. I usually don’t post chapters until I know their follow-up is finished.  
Anyway, I hope you are all okay, and rest assured, comfort is coming your way now. I don’t like to spoil, but after what I put y’all through, I think you deserve it.  
Please let me know what you think :)


	9. Chapter 9

Buck thought it through during the ambulance ride. He tried to pinpoint any symptoms leading up to his father’s heart attack. Robert had mentioned that his arms hurt, though they all thought that was some sort of lame dramatics. If he thought hard enough, Buck was sure he could remember his dad rubbing at his chest a couple of times… maybe. 

It was all fuzzy now. 

Everything after Robert’s collapse was just pieces in Buck’s head. He remembers Maddie arriving, but because she knew the most about their father’s heart condition, she’d left with him. Buck couldn’t care less whether his father lived or died.

The only constant had been Bobby and Athena, the latter having called Eddie, who was already on his way.

“Buck?” 

Bobby’s voice startles him, and he can hear his heart rate tick up on the monitor. Bobby immediately backs up, but Buck shakes his head quickly, attempting to sit up. He doesn’t want to be left alone. 

Watching Bobby forced out of the emergency room was stressful enough. He’d been in an actual room for all of ten minutes, but it was already too long. 

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” the man says as he approaches Buck again.

“You don’t scare me,” Buck tells him.

Bobby raises his eyebrows as if to challenge the statement.

“What?” Buck questions.

Bobby shakes his head. “We can talk about it later. You’ve gotta focus on getting better.” 

Buck frowns. “No. Why would you think that I’m scared of you?”

Bobby rubs at his neck nervously. “Are you gonna tell me I didn’t cause your panic attack the other day?”

Buck sighs and leans back into his pillows. He figured that Bobby might start traveling down that line of thought, and if he did, there was no going back from piecing previously insignificant things together.

“We can talk about this later,” Bobby assures him. “You’ve already been through enough emotional stuff today—”

“You didn’t cause my panic attack,” Buck says earnestly. “You… you did trigger it, though.”

Bobby is quiet and he finally sits down.

“It was just bad timing,” Buck explains. “When you caught me yesterday, I was thinking about my father. He was just… in my head and I was on edge from my first encounter with him when you touched my shoulder.”

Bobby still doesn’t say anything, opting to rub his chin instead. He’d figured that the touch was what set him off, but hearing it makes him uneasy. 

“What about our names?” He eventually asks.

Buck makes a face. “What about them?”

“Robert… Robert,” Bobby says, waving both hands as if to equate them.

Buck hums. “I’ve thought about that,” he admits. “But only a couple of times. It’s not something that really stayed at the front of my mind, though.”

“Really?” Bobby questions. “It was the first thing your sister noticed when we were introduced. I haven’t been able to stop making comparisons in my head.”

“Because I’ve never compared you to him,” Buck bites out, probably a bit too harsh. “You’re not my father.”

By the look on Bobby’s face, the bite in his words hurt. 

“I know.”

“No, see you’re better than that,” Buck goes on. “You don’t deserve to be compared to him.”

“Then what about Pops?” Bobby questions, and before the question can leave Buck’s lips, Bobby cuts him off. “You used to call me Pops— when you first started working with me— but you stopped a few months in.”

“Bobby,” Buck laughs again, “That was just a jab at your age. I stopped saying that when I actually started to like you beyond the job. Plus, you’re not even that old.”

Bobby can’t help but laugh into his hand. “I don’t know whether I should feel insulted or complimented.”

Buck doesn’t clarify, and it only furthers his own laughter.

But it dies down pretty fast as the weight of their day’s events comes back to settle in his chest.

Bobby can’t help but think back to when he first got to Buck’s apartment. He’d had to break down the door, and when he saw the kid on the ground, his father hovering over him and choking the life out of him… 

If Athena hadn’t been there, Robert Buckley would’ve been hospitalized before the man’s heart had the chance to do it. 

“Have I ever scared you, though?” Bobby can’t help but ask.

Buck sighs. “Bobby, man, you can’t dwell on how similar or not—”

“It’s— I just want you to feel _ safe _,” Bobby presses. “As your boss, there are some things I can’t avoid, like being stern and telling you what to do, but as your friend, I can take things into consideration— like not touching your shoulder— so as not to trigger you, especially not on the job.” 

And maybe Bobby is pushing it by making it about work, but they’re already all the way in the deep end with this conversation, so there’s no reason he can’t find out now rather than force it out of him before he comes back to work.

Buck looks away from the man and over to his bedside where his heart monitor is. The kid’s heart rate seems to be calming down, but Bobby’s heart nearly skips a beat, feeling like he’s just pushed too far. He’s used to being good at reading this kind of thing, but he should’ve taken the day into consideration. He should’ve waited. He sh—

“Twice,” Buck says, interrupting his thoughts and finally looking at him again.

Bobby thinks it through. Twice. It wasn’t a lot, but it was two more than what he was comfortable with.

“The first?” he prompts.

Buck fiddles with a loose string on the hospital blanket. “Because of the roof,” he adds, recalling his time as Buck 1.0.

“What do you mean?”

“When you fired me. That day on the roof, when I told you that I thought I was a sex addict, you came toward me and you were angry and…” Buck’s voice trails off, not wanting to admit the truth.

“You thought I was going to hit you,” Bobby finishes for him. Buck casts his eyes down to his hands, and that’s an answer in itself. 

Thinking back on it, Bobby can remember the way Buck had stepped back quickly and nearly tripped over nothing to back away from him. He recalls the look on Buck’s face— what he once thought was mere shock at being caught, he now realizes was fear.

“And the second?” he wonders.

Buck hesitates before responding. “That was— I barely even count that,” he says with a shake of his head. “I was an ass and invaded your privacy.”

Realization settles over Bobby. It was only a few weeks after the first incident. Bobby never forgot that. The fear on his face was more evident than a cloud on a clear day. It was why, no matter how mad he’d been, he’d backed off.

“When you looked through my notebook,” Bobby whispers. 

“You remember that?” Buck asks, surprised.

“Yeah. Yeah, I remember that.” And he’d regretted it, even then. Bobby lowers his head to his hands and rubs away tears. “Jeez, kid. I’m— I’m so sorry I ever made you feel that way.”

Buck doesn't know whether to thank him or say it’s okay because neither of the responses feels like the right one. 

“But it’s like I said,” Buck finally speaks up, “you are not my father. You’re the closest I’ve ever had to a father figure, and you’re one of the most important people in my life, but I refuse to see you in that same light. Even though you scared me, it was just those two times. The fact is that you didn’t hurt me, you never have, and I know you never will. You’re—” Buck chokes on the words, tears welling up in his eyes and the pressure of holding back his cries makes his throat sting. So he lets them go.

Buck gasps as the tears fall, and his chest aches with pain. He remembers the way Bobby held him in the apartment, so firmly, yet also like he would fall apart at a feather’s touch. He’d held him _ together _.

Bobby grabs Buck’s right hand, running his thumb over the bruised knuckles, and Buck continues.

“You’re so much more than that, Bobby. You’re my captain— and not just on the job, okay? You’ve helped me through some dangerous waters— through some of those ugly days of physical therapy right alongside Eddie. You’re my _ friend _, and that’s already more than my father ever was.”

Bobby can’t help the tears that fall. He knew that their relationship had grown over time. It’d taken the firetruck bomb to realize how much the kid had grown on him, but he’d never realized how much he grew on the kid, too. 

Bobby swears on his life that he’ll never make Buck feel like that again.

He stands to lean over the edge of the bed and pulls Buck into his arms. Buck folds into them immediately.

That’s how Maddie and Athena find them— holding each other. They pull apart as Maddie stands on the other side of Buck’s hospital bed, and Athena goes to Bobby’s side.

“He’s dead,” is what his sister opens the conversation with. “Time of death was nine A.M.” 

She hates jumping into it like this, but Maddie isn’t going to wait to break the news to her brother. Seeing him with Bobby like this was probably going to be one of the few times he would be emotionally stable enough to hear it in the next few days. There was no telling how he might react to it.

Buck is… well, he doesn’t know.

He can’t help but be surprised, though. He’d known that Robert had suffered a heart attack in his apartment, that much was determined then and there, but considering his physical wellness, Buck just assumed he’d survive. 

“It was a heart attack?” Buck asks, seeking confirmation. “They’re sure?”

“Yeah,” she whispers. She fiddles with her hands, remembering the information that the doctor had shared with her, remembering the information that Athena had helped her get with some phone calls.

“I thought he was managing the heart condition?”

Maddie shakes her head. “No— well, yes. He was, but he slipped and it was enough to mess it all up,” she explains. “According to the issue date on his prescription, the quantity number, and how many he was supposed to be taking a day, it seems that he hadn’t been taking his medication since he arrived here. Then he overexerted himself today when…” Maddie trails off, not wanting to finish the sentence.

“When he nearly killed me?” Buck finishes for her, bitterness evident in his voice. 

She merely nods.

Buck huffs in amusement, but a smile never reaches his lips. “He stressed himself to death,” he states. “Serves him right.”

He casts his gaze away from Maddie, but he doesn’t miss the flinch at his words. He doesn’t blame her, though. If anyone’s going to have more mixed feelings than him, it’s going to be her.

After a moment of silence, she leaves the room altogether. 

Eddie catches her on her way out of the room.

When he’d stormed through the hospital doors, he had one plan on his mind consisting of two people and three steps.

  1. Make sure Buck is okay.
  2. Kill Robert Buckley.
  3. Hide the body.

When he sees her, he makes a quick adjustment that includes making sure she’s okay, too. 

He stops to ask her as much. She has Chimney’s arms wrapped around her and tears in her eyes, but she waves him off with a small smile. “I’m okay,” she whispers. “I think it’s my brother who really needs you, right now.”

He looks into the room and finds both Athena and Bobby in there. Buck hasn’t noticed him just yet, but he’s not exactly paying rapt attention to either of them. 

“You sure I’m not interrupting something?” he asks. 

Maddie shakes her head. “I don’t think there’s anything to be said right now. Just…” She sighs heavily. “Be there for him, please. I can’t. I’m not what he needs.”

Eddie looks her in the eyes and gives a solid jerk of his head. “Of course.” Eddie can’t imagine himself anywhere but at Buck’s side.

When he enters the room, all eyes snap to him, and it’d be comical if he wasn’t just now seeing how badly Buck was hurt. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Bobby and Athena exchange a look.

“We’ll let you two talk,” Athena says slowly. “Hen will be here soon, though.” She rests a hand on Buck’s arm. “You going to be up for more visitors?” 

Buck nods, eyes never leaving Eddie. Eddie himself barely registers the words because he’s busy cataloging the injuries. There’s a patch over his left ear, and on the same side is a bruise decorating the bottom of his jaw. His face looks gaunt, cheekbones accentuated by slight bruising under them. More alarming is the dark ring of bruising around his neck.

As their friends leave the room, he steps forward to Buck’s side and raises a hesitant hand to his boyfriend’s face. Buck tilts his head lightly before Eddie’s fingers brush against his cheek. He presses his forehead to Buck’s and reminds himself that his love is alive and breathing and right in front of him, and despite how bad his injuries look, he’s going to be okay.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I should’ve brought you home with me. I—”

“Stop,” Buck protests. “None of that. I told you I needed a night to myself to just think about shit. I’m pretty certain if you’d pushed, I wouldn’t have been very happy.”

“It would’ve saved you this pain.” Eddie pulls his head away but doesn’t move his hand, and his eyes flicker down to the bruising around Buck’s throat again. Up close, he can see a fairly distinct hand shape. “Jesus— Buck, he could have killed you.” Eddie lowers his hand and runs a thumb over his neck. “There’s no damage?” 

Buck shakes his head. “Not to my throat. I’ve got a concussion, and I’m staying overnight for observation.”

“Concussion?” Eddie questions.

“I couldn’t tell you which hit did me in. No perforated eardrum,” he assures, pointing to his ear patch, “but it’s sensitive as hell. I thought it was for sure ruptured, but the doctor said the ringing could’ve been intensified by multiple things that happened.”

“I’m going to kill him,” Eddie mutters. He pulls his hand away and stands, thinking of the awful things he wants to do to the awful man. “¡Te lo juro! I will kill—”

“Eddie!” Buck shouts, then immediately winces and cradles his neck. 

The anger leaves Eddie’s body in an instant, worry replacing it once again, and he sits back down. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I—”

“He’s already dead,” Buck states, this time with a rasp in his voice.

“What?”

“On the way to the hospital. He had a heart attack.”

The chair makes an awkward sound as his back smacks into the plastic-covered cushion.

“Okay…” Eddie says slowly. “I think you’re gonna need to start from the beginning.”

So, Buck does. He explains Maddie’s call last night, the call this morning, and his dad showing up— what he can recall of it, at least. Looking back, things feel a lot less vivid than they had in the moment. He then explains the medicine and how they got to this point.

“So he really had a heart attack?” Eddie questions at the end of it all.

Buck hums an affirmative.

“And Maddie was with him?”

Buck nods with a frown.

“Is she okay? I uh… I asked her, but… you know.”

“No telling, honestly,” Buck sighs. He looks out to where Maddie and Chimney had been standing when Eddie first arrived. “I know she’s trying to be supportive, and I can tell she gets it, but…” 

“But it doesn’t change how she feels,” Eddie finishes solemnly. 

“Yeah.” 

“And it’s a lot to come to terms with.”

“I know.” Buck lets out a heavy breath. The movement causes a shock of pain and his back arches uncomfortably. 

“And your ribs?” Eddie asks, immediately moving to help Buck readjust the pillows.

“Not broken,” Buck mutters, the tiniest bit of pep back in his voice. “Just bruised.”

Eddie’s next thought is interrupted by Hen’s shout from the door. Both men jump and look at the woman.

“Jesus,” Eddie mutters, rubbing at one of his ears. “Volume check.”

Hen pointedly ignores him for rushing to Buck’s other side and wrapping her arms around him.

“I should not be coming here often enough to know which surface streets are the fastest. Everyone needs to stop being hurt. You and Chim might just be the death of me,” she mutters into his hair. “And Diaz, don’t you go getting any ideas.”

Both men laugh as Buck smiles into her shoulder. “Thanks for coming,” he says.

“If I couldn’t be there to kick his ass, I’m sure as hell going to be here now,” she states matter of factly. “Please tell me he’s behind bars or that you or Bobby or even Athena hospitalized that bastard.” She pulls away from the hug and moves a free chair closer to his bed so she can hold his hand. 

Hen doesn’t realize that Buck hasn’t answered until she’s settled. The hand she holds is trembling ever so slightly. 

“He’s dead,” Buck states, and the way he says it has Eddie’s mood shifting. Hen glances at Eddie in shock, but Eddie is focused on Buck. Buck’s not looking at either of them, yet Eddie looks like he’s waiting for something. 

And he is. Eddie can recall his thoughts from just a couple of days ago as he was standing in Buck’s apartment. He’d seen this coming. 

“He’s dead,” Buck says, this time with laughter bubbling out of his lips. “Oh my God, he’s _ dead _.”

“Buck,” Eddie tries.

“He dead,” Buck repeats, this time staring at Eddie. “He’s actually dead.” Eddie nods and Buck’s grip on Hen’s hand tightens. 

“He’s gone?” Buck asks him.

“He’s gone,” Eddie whispers.

Buck exhales slowly and through trembling lips. He blinks rapidly, looking up to the ceiling to try to stop the quickly forming tears from falling.

“I didn’t realize I had any more tears left to cry,” Buck admits. “He’s dead— I— I should be happy.” 

“Buck—”

“I _ am _ happy,” Buck corrects. “I just—” Buck’s face twists into anger, and he clenches his blanket in his hand. Hen notices the grip on her hand tighten just a bit more. “I shouldn’t be crying.”

“Hun, it’s okay,” Hen whispers. “It’s okay to _ feel _.”

“No.” Buck shakes his head vehemently. He drops the blanket and pinches the bridge of his nose. “No, I can’t. I have to be strong for—”

“You don’t have to do anything,” Eddie insists. “You’ve been strong this whole time— with Bobby and Athena… for Maddie. You can let go, now, Buck.”

“N—”

“I’ve got your back,” Eddie reminds him. “You can let go because I’ll be here to keep you from falling apart. I’m here.” 

With a final squeeze, Buck lets go of Hen’s hand, and Eddie takes it as his cue. 

As if he’d been waiting for the okay, Buck’s tears fall, and Eddie presses against his side before the man can fall against his pillows. He cradles Buck's head against his chest and presses kisses against his hair.

“I can’t—” Buck gasps. Eddie hears his heart monitor’s beeping pick up in pace, a sound that previously went unnoticed. “I can’t, Eds.”

Eddie rests himself on the edge of the mattress and rocks Buck gently.

“It’s okay,” he whispers. “It’s okay, mi amor. You can let go.”

Eddie catches Hen stepping out of the room and figures that it’s probably for the best.

And Buck… Buck feels like he’s been split in two— like he left part of himself in his apartment that first morning when his father showed up. He feels like he became someone new to cope with everything and that this sense of strength was a lie. 

“Being strong doesn’t mean not feeling the pain,” Eddie whispers. He knows all too well where Buck’s mind is right now. “I’m here,” he says again. 

“I’m scared,” Buck whimpers into his chest. “I’m so fucking scared Eddie. If I let go…” 

Eddie knows that Buck’s scared of letting himself feel the pain, scared that it may be all he ever feels again. 

“I know. But I got you, remember. I got your back. I’ll hold on for you.”

Hen’s not even halfway down the hall when she hears her friend’s wails break through the still air, shattering any semblance of peace that the hospital previously had. It punches through her chest and her tears that were previously held at bay fall. 

She can hear the pain in his cries. She hears _ anger _. There’s the absolute devastation of letting reality sink in… of knowing that it’s all over yet knowing that you have to live in the aftermath.

She looks back and sees people rush for the door, but one of the doctors raises her hand getting the nurses to stop before entering. Without saying anything, the woman reaches into the room and pulls the doors shut. She spares the room a second glance before shooing everyone away. 

Staying didn’t feel right, but now leaving doesn’t either, so Hen heads back and presses herself against the wall outside the door. She can still hear some of the cries through the door, but she steels herself and waits. 

She doesn’t pay attention to how long she’s there, but eventually, the rest of their friends come back. Athena and Bobby have coffee, and Chimney has Maddie wrapped in one of his arms. She holds her head high, but Hen can see that she’s barely holding herself together.

Their somewhat composed moods shift the second they spot Hen, though.

“What’s wrong?” Maddie asks, immediately pulling away from Chim and moving toward the door.

Hen stops her before her hand can reach the doorknob. She shakes her head softly.

“Eddie’s in there with him,” she tells them all. “Right now, I think it’s best if it stays just him.” She feels tears trailing down her face again. “Our boy’s falling apart,” she whispers sadly.

“I’m not surprised,” Bobby mutters, sniffling away his own tears and looking to Athena. “Some of the stuff his father said…” Bobby shakes his head. 

“You mean you heard it?” Chimney asks.

“That kid is so strong,” Bobby says through the lump in his throat. “The things his father said— the things he implied… He’s the strongest person I know.” 

Athena nods, reaching to rubs Bobby’s back. “I wanted to shoot that man, consequences be damned,” she says harshly. 

“I don’t blame you,” Maddie says— and it takes them by surprise. Their confusion is evident even though they don’t say anything.

Maddie does.

“Yeah, I loved my father,” she says, latching onto Chimney’s hand again. “And I’m sad that he’s gone, but I could never continue to love someone who hurt my little brother. My father was dead to me the second I left his hotel room,” she states. “And Robert Buckley died at nine o’clock this morning. There’s a special place in hell for people like him, and he can burn there.”

Athena tips her coffee toward her, and the faintest smile graces Maddie’s lips.

“And how are _ you _?” Hen asks.

“Mad,” Maddie answers honestly. “I feel lots of things. I’m not proud of everything I do feel.” She dips her head to wipe at her eyes. “It’ll take time. Everything does. But I love Buck, so I’ll be okay.”

Bobby taking her other hand surprises her. He grips it tight and she looks to him with wide eyes. “Just remember that you’re not just Buck’s sister,” he says, “nor are you just Chim’s girlfriend.”

“You are a friend to all of us,” Athena adds. “We may not have any idea what you might be feeling, but we are here for you, too.”

Maddie sniffles and her smile is much wider this time. “Thank you.” Bobby squeezes her hand one last time before releasing it.

“Buck will be okay, too,” Maddie assures them. “He won’t be right now, and maybe not even soon, but he will be. He got himself out of this when he was alone, but he’s not alone anymore.” Her eyes work around the group meeting each of theirs. “Right?”

“He’ll never be alone again,” Hen asserts. “Not as long as at least one of us is still breathing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot of mixed feelings about this chapter. I don't think I've ever been so critical of my work before. There was a lot to cover, but I didn't want to force it either.  
The next chapter will be the last and will answer one of the last things I haven't yet covered. What do you hope to see?  
Please let me know what you think! Your comments and kudos fuel me. 💖


	10. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings:** Child abuse, claustrophobia, homophobia.

It starts with anger. He has so much anger and he doesn’t know what to do with it. Not long after Eddie’s gone to pick up Christopher, he lies in his hospital bed, seething as he tries to process it. 

He remembers hearing once that death doesn’t happen to you, it happens to the people around you— that’s never been truer than now. Buck can’t help but feel like justice was stolen from him. His father died and was rid of his pain, but what did that leave Buck with? He was left with anger. Most of all, though, he was left with confusion. His father’s death left a lot to unpack and process through. He had no doubt that the man had been telling the truth about his mother’s feelings toward him. He had nothing but proof of that. But to find out that his father had wanted him to fight back all along? It felt like a joke.

Buck can’t quite wrap his head around that idea— that his father had wanted him to fight back as some twisted way to teach him how to be a man as if that were the key to him being any less gay. He wonders how that might have changed things. Who would he be if he’d learned that fighting was the solution to his problems? Who would he be if he had suppressed his sexuality more than he already had? 

Buck can’t imagine that he’d have turned out to be a decent man, and he sure as hell doesn’t think he would’ve met the team, especially Eddie. He doesn’t believe in fate or destiny. No, meeting Edmundo Diaz was a beautiful chance, and their love was something that grew through trust and circumstance. Their relationship and life together was something they made. 

But it doesn’t change the fact that he wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t denied his father and ran away. 

So, it starts as anger, but soon enough it fades. 

Some things about his childhood make more sense now, but others make less. He’s not sure if he’ll ever understand who his father was and why he did the things he did, but he’s not sure if he cares to. 

He doesn’t have a name for whatever he feels when he’s released from the hospital. It’s not happiness— not even relief— but it’s somewhere on the way to getting there. His friends look like they’re waiting for him to mourn, but Buck can’t mourn family he never lost.

Buck knows that this is it for him. Eddie is the love of his life, and his friends are as important to him as Maddie is. He loves Christopher as if he were his own, and the others’ children as he would his own nieces and nephews if he had any. Maybe his family will grow someday, or maybe it won’t, but he doesn’t need that kind of blood for his heart to keep beating. He didn’t need his parents for his family to feel whole a week ago, so he doesn’t need it now. 

All he needs is the way Eddie looks at him when he exits the house, joining Buck on the porch just before dawn.

Buck had been staying with him since he left the hospital. Not only could he not stay at his apartment because of the broken door, but he also couldn’t stand to be there. It helped that Eddie and Christopher had been pretty adamant that he stay with them.

Keeping the fact that Buck was hurt from Christopher was impossible, so they’d told him bits of a filtered truth. That alone had been enough for the boy to cling to the man with all his might— not that Buck had minded in even the least bit.

“What are you doing out here?” Eddie asks, rubbing the chill on his arms away.

In turn, Buck lifts his arm and the blanket wrapped around him, creating a space for Eddie to fill.

Eddie slips into the space perfectly.

“So?” Eddie prompts after a moment.

Buck lets out a heavy breath and looks out to where he can still see the bright moon, resting above the horizon and the rooftops. 

“I’m just thinking,” Buck whispers in response. 

“About?”

“Everything,” he admits into the chilly morning air. “I still haven’t answered your question.”

Buck turns to Eddie and sees his eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. 

“You asked me what that fire reminded me of,” Buck explains.

“What f—” Eddie cuts himself short, remembering their talk in the bathroom from a few days ago. Chimney’s call had interrupted his question, and he hadn’t continued that line of thought in the bunks. Hell, by that point, he’d nearly forgotten about Thursday’s events. It feels like it’s been so long, but in reality, it wasn’t even a week ago, and the funeral for Firefighter Mackie was just a day away.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Eddie finally says. 

Eddie angles himself to face Buck, bringing one of his legs onto the bench and pulling the other man into the gap he’s made with them. Buck allows himself to be moved, basking in the extra warmth. With Buck’s shoulder pressed against his chest, Eddie leans down and presses his mouth to it, offering a comforting kiss.

The moon is already out of sight below the houses across the street when Buck speaks again. 

“I think I want to tell you, though.”

Buck remembers it as if it were yesterday. 

He remembers the exact date— it was the last game of the season and they’d won. They’d won the damn game and his coach had told him that colleges were looking at  _ him _ , a sophomore. Evan could see a future for himself that he never before thought was possible.

Emotions and energy were running high that evening, and with his father’s permission, an impromptu party was held at his house. It wasn’t anything crazy seeing as it was just the team. And Robert had seemed  _ proud _ in a way that made Evan think that only better days were to come. It’s naive wishing and terrifying all at once. His father hadn’t touched him nearly the whole season. He’d been on his best behavior and doing his best in school so his father would allow him to stay on the team.

Enter Alex. Alex had changed the game for him, and Evan wasn’t just talking about Baseball. 

As some of the team had left, the remaining ones had retreated to the game room. Eventually, it was just them— them and their touches and kisses. Evan felt like his whole body was on fire as he felt something he never had before. He knew he was risking too much by doing this, but he found it hard to care.

Because Alex was his first high school love. 

And his last.

Robert catches them when Alex’s parents arrive to pick him up. He comes into the room without knocking, the words that his parents are there hanging off his tongue. It wouldn’t be a problem if Evan had been with anyone else because he wouldn’t be making out with his other teammates.

His father’s eyes widen tenfold as Alex scrambles away from Evan in embarrassment, cheeks flushed red. They hadn’t been doing anything more than PG-13, but Alex is blushing like he’s been caught in  _ the act _ , and he takes off with a wave to Evan and a thank you to Robert for the evening’s food. 

Evan feels like a deer caught in headlights. 

Alex leaves with no idea what’s going to happen to him now, and his father doesn’t show any indication of what he might be feeling. 

Evan wonders if he should speak first. 

He stands. “Dad, I—”

His father is across the room and shoving him in the chest in a second. The pressure literally takes his breath away as he falls back onto the couch. His back hits the cushion, but his head snaps back, smacking against the hard backside of the couch.

“What in God’s name do you think you’re doing?” His father hisses.

Evan scrambles for an answer— a lie, anything but the truth. 

“I was just fooling around!” he defends himself quickly. “That wasn’t anything but some way to blow off—”

“Oh, I think I understand exactly what you wanted to blow,” his father snarls with narrowing eyes. “I thought we discussed this.”

“Yes, we did. But I—”

“You agreed that you would stop having these feelings,” his father reminds him. “You promised me, son.” 

Disappointment. 

“Tell me,” his father says calmly. “Did you even  _ try _ to stop feeling like this about other boys?”

Evan looks down and shakes his head. “But I’ll— I’ll do it now,” he promises. “I’ll forget it, and if I can't, I'll just keep it to myself.”

“You promise?” his father asks.

Evan nods harshly. 

“Then shake on it,” his father directs, sticking out his own hand.

Evan stands up to take his hand, and his father and he shake hands. 

Robert rests his other hand on Evan’s shoulder. “But this can’t go unpunished.”

The next thing Evan knows, he’s being dragged down the hallway. He fights against his father’s grip, but it’s all too strong, and he knows better than to fight back. He’d done it once before. He’d seen a look on his father’s face that he never wanted to see again.

But it doesn’t mean he wants whatever punishment this is. 

His father drags him down the stairs next, not caring if he can keep the ground under his feet. Then they pass the garage door. They end up between the laundry room and a storage closet with nothing but coats and old knick-knacks that their parents lost joy in a long time ago.

He shoves him in without any preamble, and when Evan goes to open it, he feels his father on the other end pushing back.

“You’re in time out,” his father says through the door.

Humiliation spreads through Evan like the plague. Tears form in his eyes and he feels so unbelievable small. He can’t even remember the last time his father had used time out as a punishment because he was so young.

“You stay here while I run to the store, and we’ll see what you’ve learned when I get back.”

_ When he gets back _ … he thinks to himself. He can do that. He can take this— Lord knows he’s taken worse.

But when his father comes back, he comes back with a power drill and gets to work. The wall and door rattle for a few minutes, and at one point Evan tries to open the door, but it gets slammed shut, nearly smashing his fingers.

The possibilities of what his dad can be doing are limited, and each one makes anxiety claw at his chest.

Then his father speaks.

“So, tell me what you’ve learned from this punishment, Evan.”

Evan doesn’t speak at first. 

“Evan,” his mother snaps. He jumps because he didn’t realize she was on the other side of the door, as well. “Your father is asking you a question. Tell him what you understand must be done.”

“I can’t be with guys,” he answers immediately. “I can’t have these thoughts.” It feels wrong to say, especially when kissing Alex feels so right. How could loving anyone be so wrong?

“What happens if you mess up?” his father prompts.

“I— I don’t—”

“There is  _ no _ messing up, Evan. Your punishment begins now.”

_ Wait, now? _

Evan doesn’t bother to hold back his shout of confusion. As he reaches for the doorknob, he hears a distinct clicking sound. 

It’s a fucking lock.

_ No _ , he thinks, dread filling in his stomach and tears falling down his face. He twists at the doorknob, but it doesn’t open. When he jerks at it, it rattles, but there’s no outside force keeping it from opening all the way, it simply doesn’t budge.

“No!” he shouts out, banging on the door. “No, Dad! Mom! Please!” he yells. “I get it, okay! I— I’ve learned my lesson!” he tries. “You can’t leave me in here!” 

He gets no response as footsteps fade away. His breathing picks up in pace then, yet he feels like he’s not getting enough air. 

And he screams. He screams his throat raw. He screams until he sees the morning light flowing in from the space beneath the door. He screams until he’s sure he’s not actually screaming anymore. He bangs on the door so hard that the thick wood splinters, but all it does is cut up his hand.

“It felt like days,” Buck croaks out. “I don’t think it was even twelve hours.”

Buck turns to Eddie, and the man looks much like he did that day in the bathroom when he first asked about this without knowing what  _ this _ really was. It’s a mixture of anger and pain. He knows Eddie isn’t mad at him, though. His heart beats a little faster every time he sees Eddie feel so strongly about the wrong that’s been done to him.

“Buck…” Eddie exhales. “I— I’m so sorry that ever happened to you. You didn’t deserve it.”

“I felt like I did. I spent the next three years feeling like I’d never left that closet.” 

He remembers it as if it were yesterday. Some days, when the spaces feel too small and the world gets a little too dark, it feels like he  _ is _ there.

“You didn’t deserve  _ any _ of it, Buck. No one deserves that.”

Buck hums, not exactly accepting it or denying it. It’s something that Eddie knows that they’ll have to work at, but there’s only so much convincing Eddie can do in a single day.

Buck sits there silently as Eddie sifts through the rest of the story in his head.

“The day we finally got together,” Eddie realizes suddenly. “When Hen locked us in the closet—  _ Jesus _ , I knew something was up that day. That wasn’t just irrational fear, it was— and the other day in your apartment—”

“What about my apartment?” Buck questions.

Eddie catches his breath and reels in his anger. It won’t do anything to help the situation. “You didn’t enter the bathroom. You were going to, but you stopped yourself.”

“You noticed that?” Buck asks, a small smile reaching his lips.

“I’d like to think I notice a lot,” Eddie admits. “But I feel like I didn’t this last week.”

“Hey,” Buck calls softly, hand reaching up to cup Eddie’s face. “Don’t go blaming yourself for things that happened. If I’m not allowed to blame myself, you’re not either. I— I hid a lot from you. I hid a lot from everyone.”

“You don’t have to,” Eddie quickly tells him. “You don’t have to hide anything from anyone ever again.”

“I know that,” Buck says. “I just forget sometimes.”

“I’ll remind you.”

Buck smiles and presses a kiss to Eddie’s lips. When they pull away, there are tears glistening in each of their eyes. 

“I love you,” Buck whispers. Eddie’s mouth falls open, but no words come. “In case that wasn’t clear the other day.” 

Eddie nods jerkily, his hand coming up to rest over Buck’s. “It was clear, but… it’s nice to hear it,” he admits.

A small breeze interrupts whatever he was going to say next, making him shiver. It was never too cold for Eddie in LA, but the morning air before the sun was up could get to anyone in their thin pajamas. 

“We should move inside,” Eddie suggests, moving his and Buck’s hands back under the blanket. 

Buck shakes his head. “I’m still waiting,” he says. 

“For what?” 

“Sunrise,” Buck replies, resting his head against the backing of the bench. 

“Why?”

“With all of those twenty-four-hour shifts, I feel like I never see the start of a day anymore. I go to sleep when the sun’s out, and I wake up the same way. When we’re on the job, there’s no time to see any of it.” He tilts his head to look at Eddie. “It’s hard to believe that tomorrow’s a new day when all the days become one big one in my head. So, today, I just want to see a new day begin. I want to feel it.” 

Eddie studies the look on Buck’s face. This isn’t just about seeing the new day. There’s something akin to hope in the man’s blue eyes. Eddie knows that Buck isn’t okay, but he wants so desperately to be. And if there is anything that Buck is, it’s a fighter. They both know that there will be more bad days in the future, but this? This means Buck sees good days to come, too. It’s progress.

“Okay then,” Eddie says. He smiles fondly at his boyfriend and pulls him impossibly closer. Buck adjusts so he can lay his head on Eddie’s chest. “Looks like  _ we _ are waiting on the sunrise.”

Buck exhales, his lips curving ever so slightly. 

_ Yeah, it seems we are. _

**Author's Note:**

> I first want to say thank you to everyone who read and commented. Never before have I received so much positive feedback on one of my works, and it absolutely inspired and motivated me to write every update. I hope that some of you come back to me for my future works :) 
> 
> JUNE 2020 EDIT: Believe it or not, I do have a sequel in the plans, but whether it ever makes it to your screens is a question of my motivation along with my readers' interest in it. Would you be interested? LMK!
> 
> Special Thanks to my beta readers: [AngelSweeney13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelSweeney13/pseuds/AngelSweeney13) and [ smartbuckley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley%20rel=). Aria, I know there were some good and bad days for you through this, so I thank you for sticking with me and seeing this through to the end! 
> 
> I’d also like to give a special shout out to [SisAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SisAngel/pseuds/SisAngel) for being awesome and talking out ideas with me, both about this and writing in general! 
> 
> **Please leave comments and kudos!** They are not all that is important, but they mean a lot to me and encourage me in all of my writing ventures. Let me know what you think of the story, some final thoughts. _What were some of your favorite parts? Which were the saddest in your opinion?_
> 
> P.S. If you feel I missed some necessary tags, please let me know what it is I should add.


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